Professor Whiskers

Professor Whiskers is a cat and a man
 He's not quite a cat, he's not quite a man
 He does cat things like getting stuck in the door
 Lickin' his penis and shitting on the floor
 It's pretty full on when he licks his dick
 It makes my guests a little bit sick
 Because he is still half a man, and his penis is that of a man
 Professor Whiskers
 He's got the body of a man
 Professor Whiskers
 But he's got the brain of a man
 Professor Whiskers
 Not quite sure what part is a cat
 Professor Whiskers has the body of a man
 And the arm of a man, and the leg of a man
 The hair of a man, the ear of a man
 The toes of a man and the arm of a man
 Just to be clear, he's completely a man
 But he's not a professor, don't you understand?
 Professor Whiskers is his cat name
 His proper person name is Wayne
 And while he lectured for a time, he is currently unemployed
 Professor Whiskers
 The neighbour's cat is preg-a-nent
 Professor Whiskers
 There are no other cats in the neighbourhood
 Professor Whiskers
 Don't wanna know how the cat got pregnant
 Professor Whiskers loves arching his back
 When he thinks his reflection is another cat
 Just like a cat, he loves burying turds
 And bringing us the gift of half dead birds
 And just like a cat, he has no balls
 He cut off his own balls
 Professor Whiskers
 He cut off his own balls
 Professor Whiskers
 He did it in the shed
 Professor Whiskers
 He loves to drink yummy milk
 But Professor Whiskers was a naughty kitty cat
 Because he did a widdle piddle on the mat
 So we put him in the car and drove into town
 We said to the vet "Please, put him down"
 The vet said "I can't do that, that's clearly a man"
 We said "Here's fifty bucks"
 "Let's fuckin' put him down"
 But the vet only injected a cat amount
 So instead of dying, he just flailed about
 He screamed "I'm not a real cat, my name is Wayne!"
 So we strangled him with his own leash and ended his pain
 But he grabbed a cricket bat and knocked us to the floor
 Ran outside and stole a Holden Commodore
 He drove down the street heading for the state line
 The vet said "I just need one bullet to take nine lives"
 The vet took out his revolver and fired one shot
 And the Holden Commodore rolled to a stop
 A police officer came up and said "You've killed a man!"
 We said "Here's fifty bucks"
 "You've killed a cat!"
 Professor Whiskers
 We buried him in the backyard
 Professor Whiskers
 The children made him a little cross
 Professor Whiskers
 His grave is next to Doggo Boy's
 And right across from Canary Man
 And don't forget about Lizard Boy
 And also, Man Man
 He's just a person we murdered!
 By backyard, I mean the State Belanglo Forest
 I'm a murderer