Your Horoscope for Today

Aquarius
 There's travel in your future
 When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
 Fill that void in your pathetic life
 By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day
 Pisces
 Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus
 You are the true Lord of the dance
 No matter what those idiots at work say
 Aries
 The look on your face will be priceless
 When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
 Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
 Taurus
 You will never find true happiness
 What you gonna do, cry about it?
 The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
 Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 That's your horoscope for today
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 Gemini
 Your birthday party will be ruined
 Once again by your explosive flatulence
 Your love life will run into trouble
 When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
 Cancer, the position of Jupiter says that
 You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
 Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
 Leo
 Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
 And staple it to your bosses face, oh no
 Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
 Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik
 Virgo
 All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you
 Expect a big surprise today
 When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 That's your horoscope for today
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 That's your horoscope for today
 Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
 The relative position of the planets and the stars
 Could have a special deep significance or meaning
 That exclusively applies to only you
 But, let me give you my assurance that
 These forecasts and predictions are all based on
 Solid, scientific, documented evidence
 So you would have to be some kind of moron
 Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true
 Where was I?
 Libra
 A big promotion is just around
 The corner for someone much more talented than you
 Laughter is the very best medicine
 Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
 Scorpio, get ready for an
 Unexpected trip
 When you fall screaming from an open window
 Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
 Sagittarius
 All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
 Take down all those naked pictures of
 Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den
 Capricorn
 The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
 But, you know they're lying
 If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
 And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 That's your horoscope for today
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 That's your horoscope for today
 That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
 That's your horoscope for today
 That's your horoscope for today (yay, yay, yay, yay, yay)
 That's your horoscope for today