Word Crimes

Everybody shut up
 ♪
 Everyone listen up (hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey)
 
 If you can't write in the proper way
 If you don't know how to conjugate
 Maybe you flunked that class
 And maybe now you find
 That people mock you online (everybody wise up)
 Okay now here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya
 Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
 You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions
 Literacy's your mission
 And that's why I think it's a good time
 To learn some grammar (what)
 Now did I stammer?
 Work on that grammar
 You should know when it's less or it's fewer
 Like people who were
 Never raised in a sewer
 I hate these word crimes
 Like I could care less
 That means you do care
 At least a little
 Don't be a moron
 You'd better slow down and use the right pronoun
 Show the world you're no clown (everybody wise up)
 Say you got an I-T followed by apostrophe S
 Now, what does that mean?
 You would not use "it's" in this case as a possessive (no, no, no)
 It's a contraction (yeah, yeah, yeah)
 What's a contraction?
 "Well, it's the shortening of a word
 Or group of words by omission of a sound or letter"
 Okay now, here's some notes
 Syntax you're always manglin'
 No "x" in espresso
 Your participle's danglin'
 But I don't want your drama
 If you really wanna, leave out that Oxford comma
 Just keep in mind that be, see, are, you
 Are words, not letters
 Get it together, use your spell checker
 You should never
 Write words using numbers
 Unless you're seven, or your name is Prince
 I hate these word crimes
 You really need a full-time proofreader
 You dumb mouth-breather
 Well, you should hire
 Some cunning linguist
 To help you distinguish what is proper English (everybody wise up)
 One thing I ask of you
 The time to learn your homophones is past due
 Learn to diagram a sentence too
 Always say "to whom"; don't ever say "to who"
 And listen up when I tell you this
 I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
 You finished second grade; I hope you can tell
 If you're doing good or doing well (everybody wise up)
 Better figure out the difference
 Irony is not coincidence
 And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
 'Bout what's figurative and what's literal
 Oh, but just now (just now) you said (you said)
 You "literally couldn't get out of bed" (what)
 That really makes me wanna literally
 Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head
 I read your e-mail (yeah, yeah)
 It's quite apparent your grammar's errant
 You're incoherent
 Saw your blog post (hey, hey)
 It's really fantastic
 That was sarcastic (aw psych!) 'cause you write like a spastic
 I hate these word crimes (everybody wise up)
 Your prose is dopey
 Think you should only write in emoji
 Oh, you're a lost cause
 Go back to pre-school, get out of the gene pool
 Try your best to not drool
 Never mind, I give up
 Really now, I give up
 (Hey-hey-hey)
 (Hey-hey-hey)
 (Go away)