Close But No Cigar

Jillian was her name
 She was sweeter than aspartame
 Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
 And after that I never was the same
 And I loved her even more than
 Marlon Brando loved soufflé
 She was gorgeous, she was charming
 Yeah, she was perfect in every way
 Except she was always using the word "infer"
 When she obviously meant "imply"
 And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
 But frankly, I can't imagine why
 And I told her, I said...
 Hey, are we playing horseshoes, honey?
 No, I don't think we are
 You're close...
 But no cigar
 Then I met sweet young Janet
 Prettiest thing on the planet
 Had a body hotter than a habañero
 She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
 And I was crazy like Manson about her
 She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
 She had a smile so incredibly radiant
 You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
 I thought after all these years of searchin' around
 I'd found my soul mate finally
 But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
 Of "Joe Dirt" on DVD
 Aw, no... I said...
 Hey, are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
 No, I don't think we are
 You're close
 Aw, so very close
 Yeah, baby, you're close, so close
 But no cigar
 ♪
 Julie played water polo
 She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo
 She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near
 My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo
 And she was everything I've dreamed of
 She moved right up to #1 on my list
 And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
 Bikini supermodel astrophysicist?
 Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
 Look like a big fat slobberin' pig
 The only caveat is one of her ear lobes
 Was just a little tiny bit too big
 I said...
 Hey, are we doin' government work here?
 No, I don't think we are
 You're close!
 So very, very close
 Aw, baby, you're close, so close
 But no cigar
 Missed it by that much
 Aw yeah, all right
 Really, really, really close
 But no cigar