Amish Paradise (Parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio)

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
 I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
 But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
 You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
 At 4:30 in the morning, I'm milkin' cows
 Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
 And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
 Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
 I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
 Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
 But if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine
 Then tonight, we're gonna party like it's 1699
 We been spending most our lives
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 I churned butter once or twice
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 It's hard work and sacrifice
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 We sell quilts at discount price
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
 I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
 I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
 'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell
 But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
 An Amish with a 'tude?
 You know that's unheard of
 I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
 And my homies agree I really look good in black, fool
 If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
 We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
 But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
 We're just technologically impaired
 There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
 Not a single luxury
 Like Robinson Crusoe
 It's as primitive as can be
 We been spending most our lives
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 We're just plain and simple guys
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 There's no time for sin and vice
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 We don't fight, we all play nice
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
 Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another
 Think you're really righteous?
 Think you're pure in heart?
 Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
 I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
 On my knees day and night, scorin' points for the afterlife
 So don't be vain and don't be whiny
 Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie
 We been spending most our lives
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 We're all crazy Mennonites
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 There's no cops or traffic lights
 Livin' in an Amish paradise
 But you'd probably think it bites
 Livin' in an Amish paradise