Albuquerque

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
 Livin' in a box under the stairs in
 The corner of the basement of the house
 Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
 You know the place
 Well, anyway
 Back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust PEACHY!
 Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
 My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
 Awww, big bowl of sauerkraut!
 Every single mornin'!
 It was driving me crazy
 I said to my mom
 I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
 And my dear, sweet mother
 She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
 And she leaned right down next to me
 And she said, "It's good for you!"
 And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
 And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut
 Until I was twenty six and a half years old
 That's when I swore that someday
 Someday I would get outta that basement
 And travel to a magical, far away place
 Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
 And the towels are oh so fluffy
 Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
 And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
 Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!
 Well, let me tell you, people
 It wasn't long at all before my dream came true
 Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
 To see who could correctly guess the
 Number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
 I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
 That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
 Albuquerque
 Albuquerque
 Oh yeah
 You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
 And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
 Except that I had to sit between two large
 Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
 And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
 The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
 And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
 And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
 And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
 And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
 Except for me
 You know why?
 'Cause I had my tray table up
 And my seat back in the full upright position
 Had my tray table up
 And my seat back in the full upright position
 Had my tray table up
 And my seat back in the full upright position
 Ah ha ha ha
 Ah ha ha
 Ahhhh
 So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
 I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
 Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
 And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
 And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
 But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
 Where the towels are oh so fluffy
 And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
 It's okay, they're clean!
 Well, I checked into my room
 And I turned down the AC
 And I turned on the SpectraVision
 And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
 That I love so very
 Very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
 Well now, who could that be?
 I say, "Who is it?"
 No answer
 "Who is it?"
 There's no answer
 "WHO IS IT?"
 They're not sayin' anything
 So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
 It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
 Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
 So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
 And I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that!
 That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"
 And he's like, "Tough."
 And I'm like, "Give it!"
 And he's like, "Make me."
 And I'm like, "'k."
 So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my oesophagus
 And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
 And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
 Yes, indeed, you better believe it
 And somehow in the middle of it all
 The phone got knocked off the hook
 And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
 And you know what it said?
 I'll tell you what it said
 It said
 "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again,"
 "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
 "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again,"
 "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
 In Albuquerque
 Albuquerque
 Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
 But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
 I would not sleep for an instant until
 The one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
 But first, I decided to buy some donuts
 So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
 And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
 And he says, "Yeah, what do ya want?"
 I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
 He said, "No, we're outta glazed donuts."
 I said, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
 He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
 I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
 He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
 I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
 He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls."
 I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
 He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters."
 I said, "You got any bear claws?"
 He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check
 ♪
 "NO, we're outta bear claws."
 I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
 He says, "All I got right now is this
 Box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
 I said, "Okay, I'll take that."
 So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
 And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
 Oh man, they were just going nuts
 They were tearin' me apart
 You know, I think it was just about that time
 That a little ditty started goin' through my head
 I believe it went a little something like this
 Doh!
 Get 'em off me!
 Get 'em off me!
 Oh!
 No, get 'em off, get 'em off!
 Oh, oh God, oh God!
 Oh, get 'em off me!
 Oh, oh God!
 Ah, AH AH!
 I ran out into the street with these
 Flesh-eating weasels all over my face
 Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
 Like a constipated wiener dog
 And as luck would have it
 That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
 Her name was Zelda
 She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight
 Overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
 I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me
 She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
 That's when I knew it was true love
 We were inseparable after that
 Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
 We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
 The world was our burrito
 So we got married and we bought us a house
 And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
 Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
 But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
 She said, "Sweetie pumpkin?
 Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
 I said, "Whoa, hold on now, baby
 I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
 So we broke up and I never saw her again
 But that's just the way things go
 In Albuquerque
 Albuquerque
 ♪
 Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
 Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
 That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler!
 I even made employee of the month after
 I put out that grease fire with my face
 Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
 I was gettin' a lot of attitude
 OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
 Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
 When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry
 A big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
 So I, I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
 And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
 "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw."
 So I did
 And then he gets all indignant on me
 He's like, "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!"
 Well, that's just great
 How was I supposed to know that?
 I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
 Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname: "Torso-Boy"!
 So what's he complaining about?
 Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
 This guy comes up to me on the street
 And he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
 Well, I knew what he meant
 But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
 And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
 And I'm like, "Hey, come on, don't 'cha get it?"
 But he just keeps rolling around on
 The sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
 You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation
 Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
 Anyway, um, um, where was I?
 Kinda lost my train of thought
 Uh, well, uh, okay
 Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
 But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
 I hate sauerkraut!
 That's all I'm really tryin' to say
 And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
 And find yourself in an existential quandry
 Full of loathing and self-doubt
 And wracked with the pain and
 Isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
 At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
 Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
 There's still a little place called
 Albuquerque
 Albuquerque
 Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
 Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
 Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
 Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
 I said, "A" (A)
 "L" (L)
 "B" (B)
 "U" (U)
 "QUERQUE!" (Querque!)
 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
 Albuquerque