Jerry Likes My Corn

Jerry likes the way I do my corn
 Isn't he a treasure?
 More corn!
 Look at how he chows right through my corn
 It's my only pleasure
 I boil it on the hot plate
 Till all the juice is gone
 Bless his soul
 He knows which side my corn is buttered on
 Jerry lacks a mother's tender care
 Nobody to need him
 Mothers now are barely ever there
 Someone's gotta feed him
 The kind of things that I like
 His high school friends all scorn
 Cottage cheese, chamomile
 Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
 But, Jerry likes my corn
 The things you do for me, Jerry
 You're my Gibraltar
 The corn is out of this world!
 Oh, did I do it nicely?
 He always compliments me on the way I do my corn!
 Jerry is a son like my own two
 Sons who never phone you
 More salt?
 Boys have more important things to do
 After they disown you
 And though he hardly says much
 I understand his grunts
 'Hey' means 'hi'
 'Yo' means 'yes'
 Believe me, he's no dunce!
 Anything that breaks, he knows which tool
 Jerry is a fixer
 Not her
 Happy hour starts right after school
 Jerry, have a mixer
 He tells me things the kids like
 And I just feel reborn
 Mountain Dew, Super Bowl
 Sex and drugs and rock n' roll
 But, most of all, my corn
 Jerry, you know what I'd like?
 Some music
 I'm happier when I'm singing than anything I've ever done
 Since I was born
 See if you can find that song
 Oh, you know the one I just adore
 Let me help, Mother Darling, I'm extremely organized
 I know exactly where to look for that record
 No! Let Jerry
 I've got it under control, kid, I can find it
 Jerry can find things in his house, right on this bed
 You couldn't find for half an hour
 I'm so sick of that kid!
 I mean, I have great pity for him and I like him
 The trouble is she's madly in love with him
 Oh, pardon me, but it's true
 Well, he might as well leave right now
 'Cause he's never gonna get it so that's it!
 Get what? Sex with you?
 That's all they're after! That's all they're after!
 An old person like you? Good god!
 Tomcats! All of 'em!
 So you might as well tell him right now to forget about it
 Jerry doesn't want any sex with you
 Jerry likes his own age
 Oh yes!
 Kids at seventeen do not pursue
 Relics of the stone age (Believe me, I can tell these things!)
 Jerry doesn't want any sex with you
 Jerry isn't crazy
 Adolescent girls now are easy lays
 Same as Edie in her awkward phase
 Jerry has a new girl every night
 And not a one of them have cellulite
 He's gonna be here for years and years and years
 He doesn't want any sex with you! Get out of here!
 I want the people I want in this house!
 Go away! You're making me very angry!
 Jerry doesn't fight like two fishwives
 Jerry likes relaxing
 Me too
 Now and then we play my forty-fives
 Hear the old sad sax sing
 No picnic, growing older
 Abandoned and forlorn
 Stuck in bed, stiff with gout
 Alcoholic drinks are out
 "You'll die"
 The doctors warn
 Then quick as a wink
 I'm in the pink
 'Cause Jerry likes my corn
 I tell ya, that boy is a gift