My Rules / Elliot Garfield Grant

You pay for phone calls, laundry, linen and utilities
 I don't make beds or clean
 I'm not your chambermaid
 You'll use the kitchen and the powder room facilities
 When I'm not in them and when all your bills are paid
 I want no drinking, drugging, smoking on the premises
 Spare us your vulgar, loud off-Broadway cavalcade
 Disturb my daughter, and you'll find no greater nemesis
 And stick to language out of Disney on Parade
 My rules
 Are clear
 We'll both pretend that you're not really here
 My rules
 Are curt
 Just follow them, and no one will get hurt
 No
 No?
 I'm not happy with the arrangements
 Don't speak
 I need your attention, I'm not gonna say this twice
 I'm your landlord and this piece of paper says
 You've gotta treat me nice
 Lady, I'm the one with the rulebook
 Who'll say what you can do and can't
 Cause you're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant
 God love em
 You're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant
 Push me
 And you will discover
 That you're gonna be exiled
 You're the guest of my private foundation
 You and your poster child
 I'm the one who's giving the orders
 A not-too-calm commandant
 Ten-hut
 You're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant
 Look at the gutter and know
 There but for the grace of Elliot
 Outside it's seven below
 You're here, you're warm, you're dry
 And I'm the reason why
 What a guy
 ♪
 Henceforth we're doing it my way
 And there will be no disputes
 Think of me as a permanent fixture
 I'm planning to set down roots
 From now on I'm part of the landscape
 A tough indigenous plant
 Sunshine
 You're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant
 No applause, please
 You're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant
 My rules, my sweet
 Your choice is to submit or hit the street
 I like to shower every morning
 And I don't like your panties wringing wet on the rod
 And if you have to leave your razor on the sink
 You run the risk that I'll turn into Sweeney Todd
 As I'm a crazy kind of guy
 Who can't predict when nature calls
 Or hunger seizes me
 I'll use this honey of a bathroom and the
 Goddam kitchen
 Anytime it pleases me
 I hate an over-heated habitat
 So grab a quilt and leave the thermostat to me
 I always sleep completely naked, buffo
 Window open winter, spring through fall
 So if you care to spare your daughter
 A reluctant introduction to anatomy
 I'd bolt my door at night
 And keep that precious kid of yours
 From wandering the hall
 You have a chip on your shoulder the size
 Of the Empire State
 Call your charm school and ask for a refund
 While I hyperventilate
 Get a booster shot for distemper
 Then try not to rave and to rant
 Lambchop, you're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant
 Mister nice guy
 You're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant
 Don't thank me
 You're living on an Elliot Garfield
 An Elliot Garfield grant