Suddenly New Zealand

When you're lying awake
 With a dismal headache,
 And repose is tabooed by anxiety,
 It is hardly surprising
 If you're agonising
 Considering modern society;
 There are terrible dangers
 From horrible strangers
 Whose every intention is criminal;
 There are counterfeit healers
 And Ecstasy dealers
 Who thrive 'cause policing is minimal;
 We've got under-age nooky,
 And lads playing hooky
 Who lurk around corners to mug us;
 And there's Proddies and Papists
 And robbers and rapists
 With tabs of Rohypnol to drug us;
 On the street you take fright
 At the menacing sight
 Of graffiti in French and Cyrillic;
 And behind curtains drawn,
 People downloading porn
 Are indulging in tastes paedophilic;
 Though the threats are tremendous,
 The law won't defend us,
 And don't even think of resistance;
 So before it's too late,
 Let us all emigrate
 To a very much better existence...
 Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so boring,
 Suddenly New Zealand seems attractively remote;
 Lots of sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
 And sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
 And sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
 And sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
 And sheep and lambs and the occasional goat.
 So you're lying in bed,
 And the thoughts in your head
 Return to your present condition;
 A beastly fanatic
 Plans something dramatic
 To send us all of to perdition;
 From some part of the globe
 Comes a chap in a robe
 And a headdress he looks very nice in;
 But beneath his djellaba
 The fellow may harbour
 A lethal container of ricin;
 He's so fundamental
 He hasn't seen Yentl
 And preaches demonic polemic;
 He wants each infidel
 To descend into Hell
 With a case of bubonic systemic;
 In his safe sleeper cell,
 He blends in very well
 With his suitably quiet demeanour;
 While he's learning to fly,
 He is living close by
 In a bed-sit above your dry-cleaner;
 We know what we must do,
 'Cause the world that we knew
 Is vanishing like the poor dodo;
 There's a good life to be had
 Away from the Jihad
 As neighbours of Bilbo and Frodo...
 Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so dreary,
 Suddenly New Zealand seems to suit us rather well;
 Lots of hills and dales and hills and dales
 And hills and dales and hills and dales
 And hills and dales and hills and dales
 And hills and dales and hills and dales
 And hills and dales and the occasional dell.
 Well you still cannot sleep,
 And you suffer la grippe
 As these terrible visions all trouble you;
 It's no wonder you're glum,
 There is worse yet to come -
 As you've guessed, I refer to George W;
 For he is on course
 To use maximum force,
 For a better world order's his aim here;
 When he's done with Iraq,
 He'll put up a blue plaque
 Saying "This was once Mesopotamia!";
 If he sticks to the text,
 North Korea is next,
 And we'll watch it on footage that's grainy;
 Then Iran, Pakistan,
 Oh, and Azerbaijan
 Will be totalled by Rumsfeld and Cheney;
 No you won't see him falter
 As Jersey and Malta
 Are governed from South Carolina;
 And on Saturday week,
 In a fit of sheer pique,
 He will launch an invasion of China;
 With Blair in his kennel,
 This prince among men'll
 Ensure that just one thing is certain -
 The UN and EU
 And, of course, NATO too,
 Will be gone for a haliburton...
 Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so tedious,
 Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem like such a dud;
 Lots of springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
 Springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
 Springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
 Springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
 Springs and geysers, and a lot of hot mud.
 Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so numbing,
 Suddenly New Zealand is awash with many charms;
 Lots of plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
 Plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
 Plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
 Plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
 Plots and homesteads, and a lot of nice farms.