Shattered Illusions

I fell for a man at a party, a Hyperion
 His godlike beauty easily met each criterion
 Six foot four and debonair
 Emerald eyes and thick black hair
 But when we got closer
 Was he perfect?
 No sir
 His nice white teeth came out at night
 And the sock down his jeans was what made them tight
 Oh, my shattered illusions
 I got a shock when I saw him cleanse
 Each bright green contact lens
 Oh, my poor confusion
 But the thing that caused the final rift
 Was when his toupee started to drift
 And his shoes had three inch lifts
 Oh, my shattered illusions
 Now, as for me, I lately met a city type
 (Ah-ha)
 He was nearly fifty-seven, but I couldn't gripe
 (Mm-hm)
 Rolled umbrella, pinstriped suit
 And a shiny Rolls to boot
 But when I got closer
 Was he perfect?
 No sir
 His great big hands were like wet spaghetti
 He lay on the couch and said, "Call me Betty"
 Oh, my shattered illusions
 He went on and on, for hours and hours
 About something called golden showers
 And showed me his contusions
 Wearing nipple clamps and bows in his pubic hair
 He handed me a whip and said, "Beat me there!"
 Then asked if he could sniff my underwear
 Oh (oh oh oh oh), my shattered illusions
 Now me, I really think I've met the perfect guy
 (I, me)
 Can't find a single fault, no matter how I try
 (Oh, gee)
 Though no Adonis, he's the cream
 He is every mother's dream
 But will I let him get closer?
 What do you think?
 No sir
 He thinks I'm lovely but entre nous
 My lashes and nails are stuck on with glue
 Oh (poor bloke), his shattered illusions
 I've had a little tuck here and a little tuck there
 And I wasn't born with this blonde hair
 Oh (no joke), his poor delusions
 My original chin was much, much bigger
 My nose job would simply make him snigger
 It's to silicone, I owe my shapely figure
 Oh, his shattered illusions
 But I'll keep Mum, because you see
 His bride is what I long to be
 But, God help us if the children look like me
 Oh, those shattered illusions