The Mystic Crystal

Oh yeah!
 Long ago and far away
 In labyrinths of coral caves
 A mystic crystal was forged in glass
 From magic or some shit like that
 Its powers had been used for good
 And all men lived in brotherhood
 Until The Necromancer came
 Upon his steed of bones and flame
 His prism eyes with evil gleamed
 He stole the crystal, then he screamed
 "Now gods and men and all between
 Shall blow my necromancing shween!"
 The knights and nobles of the land
 Did all they could to stay his hand
 Yet not a single blow was struck
 Alas! For he was strong as fuck
 Oh yeah!
 He grabbed The Princess from her throne
 And trapped her in the crystal stone
 The King called in his wizards three
 And begged them brokenheartedly
 "Search the forests, search the seas
 Search time and all realities
 Two champions are what I need
 To bring my daughter back to me!"
 "Yes, my king, it shall be done"
 The wizards said, and so begun
 A wondrous spell that soon would find
 The greatest men in space and time
 And that's where our story begins
 And Danny and Brian come in
 There is no quest from which they'd flee
 But right now they're in New Jersey
 Hey, Ninja Brian, is that a mystic space portal behind you?
 Oh shit!
 We woke up in a foreign land
 Inside a castle, oh so grand
 And there atop a throne of gold
 Arose The King, so gross and old
 "I've called you from the great beyond
 To save my daughter, hot and blonde
 You've sailed across the sky and stars
 The gods have brought you here unharmed"
 "Actually your majesty
 You just sucked us through 26 dimensions of space and time
 And I've gotta be completely honest with you
 My arms are broken
 And I don't know why my chest is smoking"
 "I will heal you with my staff
 I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh
 Now go! Ride toward the sun atop these noble steeds
 You're our spandex heroes now
 Fulfill your destinies"
 And so! We turned and rode beyond the castle walls
 With shining codpiece armor that doth cradled our chivalrous balls
 The sky grew dark and the road was narrow
 But I knew we'd never be led astray
 For Brian brought his magic arrows
 They were blessed to light our righteous way
 Ah! Brian, do you think you could warn me
 before you're about to light our righteous way?
 Oh, god! Alright, fine, whatever, man
 Let's ride!
 The trees were twisted the air was thick
 T'was clear his domain was as evil as dick
 We passed through the gloom of the Forest of Fear
 Then the Pits of Disgust, and the Dark Swamp of Tears
 Then off in the distance so clear
 The cold gray peak of Mount Nasty appeared
 Past the Fields of Annoyance, and Dragon Barf Junction
 And the treacherous Cliffs of Erectile Dysfunction
 Now Brian has erectile dysfunction
 Only Brian, though
 I know, it's weird
 We arrived at the evil one's hall
 And dismounted our trusty steeds with resolve
 We hugged them goodbye and promised we'd never quit
 Then they ran straight away, for they gave not a shit
 Moonlight rose over the door
 Lit all the jewels and the skulls on the floor
 We felt no terror as we entered the cave
 Unless the bells of doom tolled we knew we'd be safe
 We knew we'd be safe!
 We knew we'd be sa-
 Oh fuck...
 Colored gemstones lit up the wall
 They formed a rainbow trail
 Up to a giant waterfall
 And there the Necromancer grinned
 The Princess stood frozen
 Yet still so hot beside him (Damn!)
 Then I heard a voice in my mind
 T'was The Princess!
 She said "Danny, your heart is kind
 Only light can stop dark!"
 I knew what she spoke of...
 To defeat The Necromancer
 I had to use love!
 "Stand back, Brian, I'm going to hug him!"
 He immediately shattered both my legs
 And threw me across the room
 "I probably should brought some weapons"
 I thought as I flew
 Then Ninja Brian picked me up
 Because he's a good friend
 Then he used my body like a club
 To beat our enemy to death
 I should have been in more pain
 Than could ever be spoken
 Luckily, I felt nothing
 Because my back was totes broken
 Oh, the Necromancer was dead
 And the crystal broke in three
 I looked up into the light and saw
 The Princess was now free
 "Brian, she's so beautiful! Roll me to her!"
 We journeyed gladly toward The King
 His lands now green with the life of spring
 He leapt up and wept at the sight
 Of his girl as she carried me through the night
 "Heal this man, wizards!", he cried with delight
 Which they did, goddamn, they keep their magic game tight
 But sadly it was time to leave
 So the king said "Fix Brian's E.D
 And hooray for Ninja Sex Party!"
 "Look, Ninja Brian, the Portal back home is opening!"
 Now fare thee well
 Now fare thee well, it seems that our journey is at an end
 We will be here, if you should ever need our help again
 We walked away but stopped and turned before we took our last step
 Brian killed a guy real quick to make sure he maintained his rep
 We all have our battles to fight
 And a crystal cage to break through in our lives
 But when hope is gone
 We will be there to help you rock the fuck on