No Reason Boner

This song is about a problem that I have
 Frequently
 There are three (three, three) kinds of erections
 Some are sexual
 Some occur during periods of nervous tension
 But there's a mysterious third kind
 That no one really understands
 It happens when your schlong decides to take matters into its own hands
 No reason boner
 No reason boner
 It baffles scientists
 No reason boner
 This morning I was having breakfast
 At the midtown diner
 The bagel was delicous and the coleslaw couldn't be finer
 Got a weird look from the waitress
 When I asked her for the check
 I looked down and realized I was 100% erect
 No reason boner
 No reason boner
 I like coleslaw but not that much
 No reason boner
 Hi, welcome to the post office!
 Thanks! I just need to mail this package
 No problem. Just place it on the scale!
 Sure thing!
 Oh
 Oh God, I
 I can't right now
 Why not?
 I, I have to go
 I have a, uh
 Doctor's appointment at the dentist's
 Now things are a little awkward
 Between my mailman and I
 That was not my best lie, I was just covering up for my
 No reason boner
 No reason boner
 That was the wrong kind of package to mail
 No reason boner
 Hi! Welcome to the zoo!
 Great! I love the zoo! Look at all those monkeys!
 Actually, those technically aren't monkeys. They're macaques
 Wow! Macaque's really hairy!
 Uh... so what time does the zoo close?
 About eight o'clock
 Great! That gives me a chance to-
 Oh God
 Oh, not-
 Not now
 Not in front of the children!
 Why have you forsaken me, Lord?!
 This is no laughing matter
 This is not some kind of game
 I can tuck away my johnson but I can never tuck away the shame
 It can happen anytime
 It can happen anywhere
 When the Lochness Monster decides he wants to randomly come up for air
 No reason boner
 Oh
 No reason boner
 You're ruining my life
 No reason boner
 No reason boner
 No reason boner
 Why?
 Boner