Next to You

We'd been friends for many years
 Until I finally confessed
 That I've always loved you darling
 But you were unimpressed
 If I can never be your lover
 I'll accept our destiny
 And I'll embrace your gift of friendship
 As I jack off constantly
 Oh, I'll be there to lift you when you fall
 With one arm around your shoulder and the other on my balls
 Oh, if you need me you just have to call
 'Cause I'll be next to you,
 Masturbating
 1, 2, 3, let's do it!
 Through the good times and the bad
 I will do everything I can
 Like if you ever need help moving,
 I can jerk off in the van
 If your car breaks on the road
 I'll grab my crank and pick you up
 And we can drive away together
 As I lotion up my junk
 Oh, it doesn't matter where our lives will lead us
 I will always stand beside you, both in spirit and in penis
 Oh, excuse me but I have to go dry clean this
 'Cause I've been next to you,
 Masturbating
 Look, I know this may seem weird, but it's not.
 Every friendship I've ever had has been like this
 You should know that I'm not doing this for myself
 It's partly for you, but most of all, I'm doing this...
 For America!
 Oh, tell me everything that's in your heart
 This is Claire, we're gonna make out
 You just go ahead and start
 If it escalates to boning, it means I'm listening super hard
 'Cause I'll be next to you,
 Oh
 Oh, wait, Claire brought a friend
 We're gonna have a threesome
 And a crowd of people's gathered
 To watch me bang both her and Lisa
 Oh, when this is done you and I are getting pizza
 'Cause I'll be next to you,
 Masturbating
 Slash having a threesome with Claire
 But still masturbating.