Talking to Walls

Three albums into this thing, and i'm running out of words to say
 Two decades of following Jesus, and i'm running out of words to pray
 Sometimes i feel like i'm caught up
 In a world with those past mistakes
 I don't look back because it's my past i hate
 But you can't travel backwards to yesterday
 And the more i try to, the less i pray
 I guess it's hard to talk to God when you're ashamed
 So here we are, two million followers later
 And i'm with the same pen and this pad of paper
 Just trying to share something that will inspire the masses
 But how do you manage this popularity, wasn't taught in my classes?
 Most of the time i feel like i'm way over my head
 As a kid there was a picture of James Dean hung over my bed
 He was a rebel, and i'm just a lost cause
 I sat alone in my room ingnoring texts and blocked calls
 I kept my head low as i passed people in halls
 I never expected to be somebody when i was a kid
 I never expected to need somebody to know how to live
 I've always been the type to do things myself
 But lately i've been picking up that Bible a lot more off my shelf
 And this schedule i keep is affecting my health
 Irregular heartbeat and an anxiety that just won't quit
 Sometimes i just want to walk away from all of this
 But i can't seem to get God to pick up on speed dial
 Seems like he's been ignoring my calls now for a while
 And maybe i deserve it, because i didn't always pick up for him
 I can't go to church anymore because people ask for pics
 In every service i'm in
 They think i'm spiritual but inside i'm just nervous and tense
 I can't get used to this popularity, now more than ever, this
 Pedestal is scary
 An angel on one shoulder the devil on the other, just daring me
 To yank the skeletons out of my closet and put them on display
 I feel like i'm talking to the wall whenever i pray
 If they knew how it was, they wouldn't ask me for pics
 Thirty years old still looking to the world for that fix
 But if Jesus is enough i shouldn't feel like this
 Still hurting from the past i can't heal like this
 This poem isn't for you, this poem is for me
 Someday i hope to be left alone, someday when i'm free
 And i hope someday all this would have been worth it
 Imagine being eighty, only to look back on your past and curse it
 Let me write this clearly, i don't need to write it in cursive
 To tell you that even though you think
 Highly of me, i think that i'm worthless
 And nothing you do or say is going to change that
 There's a beast inside me and i can't tame that
 And that monster keeps reminding me of everything about me i hate
 Maybe God's grace found me just a little too late
 Because i wasted a lot of years, breaking a lot of hearts
 I turn off the replay of those days everytime that it starts
 This is me now, and this is what it feels like to be empty
 There isn't a day that goes by that the devil doesn't tempt me
 I just have to remind myself of the God who sent me
 When i keep my eyes on him i can breathe again
 Two million fans but still in need of a friend
 Welcome, to the world i'm in.