I Don't Belong Here

God, please guide me
 Too many times the devil's tried me
 Sometimes I feel your spirit inside of me
 Just like John the Baptist as a baby, it jumps
 Butterflies in my belly, throat becomes lumped
 I showed you my sin and you showed me your son
 I showed you my pride and you stood by my side
 I showed you I was everything you aren't and you still didn't leave
 Why is it God that you keep loving on me?
 You should have left and you should just leave
 I tried so hard to be everything you created me to be
 And I just kept falling and tripping and
 Stumbling in the voices of anxiety just kept mumbling
 Having everything taken from you is humbling
 But they could take away all they want
 But they will never take away my faith
 Someday I will be knock-knock-knocking on those pearly gates
 And when I see Jesus face to face, this is what I'm gonna say
 "I don't belong here" and it's funny
 Because that won't be the first time he heard it
 Not from others but from my lips when I pray, this is how I'd word it
 "God I don't wanna be here anymore, I'm tired of this place"
 My prayer will be a little different on
 That final day because I'll look at him and say
 "I didn't want to be there and I don't belong here."
 Anxiety of not getting let in leads me to tears
 Imprisoned in my paranoia, I'm sentenced for years
 What if God says no to me?
 And at that moment unknowingly
 That there was nothing I could have done differently
 Because he could have put me in a
 Million body's, on a million missions
 And I'd still find a way to wreck every reincarnated life
 I go to the ocean and see the stars
 Ain't it nice to think someone up there keeps it all right?
 Even when I am not feeling alright?
 I wanna quit this poem, alright?
 I'm done with the blues like I am alright, but I'm not
 These clouds just hover over my head like chandeliers
 I see the light enlightening and I know God's near
 But some times the switch just gets
 Shut off and I am thrown into the black
 I'll tell you guys I am leaving and I will be right back
 But sometimes I don't ever plan on ever returning
 I would have killed myself if I wasn't afraid of burning
 But what about your daughter and what about your life?
 Nothing makes sense when your minds not right
 I was suicidal and dangerous all wrapped up in one
 Bipolar mania, picking between razor, pill, and gun
 I can't remember the last time I had fun
 Whatever they're on please give me some
 I asked the doctor for happiness and he gave me none
 I looked through those pill bottles but didn't get any
 But pills upon pills, he gave me plenty
 Pills to go to sleep and pills to wake
 Up, the effects were thin so I doubled up
 Running out of the Hydros before my next re-up
 And then go onstage where people prop me up
 And normally when we prop things up, we expect them to fall
 And when you do, don't expect a call
 Christians shoot their own wounded
 That's why when I play this poetry so many
 Tune in because they've been church hurt too
 So you relate to me and I relate to you
 But here's the worst thing we could do
 Tie a noose around Jesus because of what the church put us through
 You're gonna get through this, you're going to live
 God didn't hurt us, people did