Dear Anxiety

I wake up, puddle of sweat
 I have nightmares when I get back into bed
 It's like these voices just keep playing on repeat
 In the back of my head
 And I can't get them to leave me alone
 30 years old but still hates being alone when I'm home
 Because that's when the voices get the loudest
 Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest
 But these demons keep pressing me
 I swear they're the foulest
 But I've grown comfortable with their presence
 My conscious is calloused
 My dreams are their playground
 My thoughts are their palace
 I try to evict them, they return with more
 Anxiety isn't an item you can return at the store
 I was ten the first time I had a panic attack
 Like a punch to the stomach, there's no planning for that
 And I didn't tell anyone
 Because I was too scared about what they'd say
 And I know deep down there was nothing
 They could do to take it away
 It was my fight to fight and my battle to face
 I remember that house I grew up in
 And how those demons would rattle that place
 I'd lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling
 I've spent my whole life trying to run away from that feeling
 That feeling of being lonely
 That feeling of being lost
 That feeling of being sick when the lights turn off
 That feeling of being depressed
 That feeling of being anxious
 That feeling of screaming to God
 Begging him to take this
 Only to get silence in return
 I'd lay in that bed crying and I'd toss and I'd turn
 And I turn and I toss to this day
 The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray
 I tried both and this anxiety still hasn't gone away
 So forgive me if I fantasise about being gone today
 I'm an actor who got really good at being on today
 But when I turn off I go right back into the shadows
 I'm in the deep end now but I started in the shallows
 And I might just drown myself in these waves
 Suburban hell, these homes are all graves
 Everyone's coping with something but won't admit it
 They're all too afraid
 And these kids are glued to watching me what do I say?
 If I'm honest with them maybe they won't think highly of me
 Everything they want me to be is what I'm dying to be
 But everything I really am is what I'm not trying to be
 I want them to know that they're not alone in their struggles
 I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles
 And I don't think I'll ever get out of this valley I'm in
 Terrified that all along God has tallied my sins
 And if he has the number must be astronomic
 My life is a joke and you keep reading
 Just pass the comic
 Because everything you think that I am is far from the truth
 I wish I could open up to you and just let loose
 But my vocal cords get tight when the devil pulls on this noose
 And them I'm back to keeping everything bottled up inside
 But he's not going to keep me from pulling
 The throttle back this time
 He's not going to keep me trapped like this
 I can't get out of bed I was never meant to act like this
 I packin' up my bags and he can't stop me
 From running fast like this
 I'm not going to be a slave to these voices of anxiety
 I'm shoving the devil back for every time that he lied to me
 And I'm taking a bell to these demons
 Who whispered despair in my ear
 And I'm ignoring every naysayer
 Who stands and stares when I'm near
 I'm moving forward out of this slump
 I took my bruises, I took my lumps
 I fell down but I got right back up
 So give me a torch and lets light that up
 I'm setting fire to the devil and
 I'm dousing these demons in gasoline
 Look at you now, now you're not laughing at me
 Now whose the one whose being tortured and poked
 Now whose the one closing every door that I want
 Now whose the one watching the other burn to the ground
 Don't look away from me you better turn back around
 I'm not done talking to you now
 I'm watching your moves, I'm on your back
 And I'm stalking you too
 And when you try to ruin some other kid's life
 I'll be stopping you too
 You took thirty years of my life and I can't get that back
 You told me to end my life and I nearly got killed for that
 You took me down but I bounced right back
 I was lost and I got found like that
 And everything you told me I wasn't
 Someone new told me I was
 And everything you hated in me
 Someone new told me He loves
 And when you tried to kill me with depression and anxiety
 He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me
 So I'm done listening to you and letting you control me
 I'm announcing it now that the devil can't hold me
 I'm walking away from the old me
 And I'm demanding a refund on every lie that you sold me
 You knew I'd find a way out sooner or later
 And I found my escape in the form of a saviour