Normal American Boy

He's coming!
 He's coming!
 Conrad Birdie is coming!
 ♪
 Hey Conrad, how 'bout answering a few questions
 How do you feel about going the army?
 How does he feel?
 You ask how he feels?
 He's much too shy to tell you so I'll tell you how he feels
 He feels
 Brave and eager
 Strangely humble
 Proud to be a plain G.I.
 He will gladly
 Face those bullets
 For he's not afraid to die
 For he's a fine, upstanding
 Patriotic
 Healthy, normal American boy
 And that's why he volunteered for-
 Volunteered? I thought he was drafted!
 And he appealed three times!
 Sing!
 We love you, Conrad
 Oh, yes, we do!
 We love you, Conrad
 And we'll be true
 When you're not near us
 We're blue
 Oh Conrad, we love you
 Very nice!
 Say, what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad
 Are you two engaged?
 Is he engaged?
 Is Conrad engaged?
 There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged
 She's a real pal
 Like a sister
 But it doesn't mean a thing
 And that eighteen-karat diamond
 It was just a friendship ring
 For he's a fine, upstanding
 Patriotic
 Healthy, normal American boy
 Then why was her husband so mad?
 Uh, sing
 We love you, Conrad
 Oh, yes, we do!
 We love you, Conrad
 And we'll be true
 Hmmm...
 Oh, I'll never forget what Conrad said
 When he found he'd been accepted by the Armed Forces
 "Gee, Mr. Peterson," he said eagerly
 "Do ya suppose they'll assign me to the front-line trenches?
 That way I'll get myself one of those Dirty Jerry's?"
 (Uh, Albert)
 Or, whoever dirty this time!
 Hey Mr. Peterson, give us the scoop
 Is Conrad still drinking a lot?
 Now, listen here
 This gossip must stop!
 He goes to church each Sunday
 And he doesn't touch a drop!
 He's as decent as a minister (Absolutely!)
 He's as sober as a judge
 He subscribes to every charity
 And his hobby's making fudge
 For he's a fine upstanding
 Patriotic
 Healthy, normal American boy
 Is is true that you found Conrad in a reform school?
 That is a lie
 A lie through and through
 I'll tell you where he came from
 Here's the story and it's true
 He was born in Indo-China
 (He was born in Old Virginny)
 Son of missionaries there
 (On a thousand-acre farm)
 Very poor and very hungry
 (From a line of wealthy planters)
 What a cruel life to bear
 (Full of genteel, Southern charm)
 Soon, he drifted down to Hong Kong
 (In the evening by the river)
 To a waterfront saloon
 (By the moonlight, they would croon)
 That is when I heard him singing
 (That's when Conrad started singing)
 Underneath the Hong Kong moon
 ('Neath the old plantation moon)
 Oh, beautiful (We love you, Conrad)
 For spacious skies (Oh, yes, we do)
 For amber waves of grain (We love you, Conrad)
 (And we'll be true, ooh)
 America. America (Conrad, we love you)
 God shed His grace (We love you, Conrad)
 On thee (We'll be true)
 For he's a fine, upstanding
 Average, modest
 Patriotic
 Healthy, normal
 American
 American boy