A Summer in Ohio

I could have a mansion on a hill
 I could lease a villa in Seville
 But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio
 With a gay midget named Karl
 Playing Tevye and Porgy
 I could wander Paris after dark
 Take a carriage ride through Central Park
 But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio
 Where I'm sharing a room
 With a former stripper and her snake
 Wayne
 I could have a satchel full of dollar bills
 Cures for all the nation's ills
 Pills to make a lion purr
 I could be in line to be the British Queen
 Look like I was seventeen
 Still I'm certain I'd prefer
 To be going slowly batty
 Forty miles east of Cincinnati
 I could shove an ice pick in my eye
 I could eat some fish from last July
 But it wouldn't be as awful as a summer in Ohio
 Without cable, hot water
 Vietnamese food, or you
 I saw your book at a Borders in Kentucky
 Under a sign that said "New and recommended"
 I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve
 And then I couldn't leave
 Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet
 Then he said, "All things considered, I guess you don't have to buy it"
 So I smiled like Mona Lisa and I lay my Visa down
 He wants me, he wants me
 But he ain't gonna get me
 I've found my guiding light
 I tell the stars each night
 "Look at me! Look at him! Son-of-a-bitch
 I guess I'm doing something right!
 I finally got something right!"
 No, it's not Nirvana, but it's on the way
 I play Anita at the matinee
 Then I'll get on my knees and pray
 I can state in my next bio
 I'm never gonna go back to Ohio!
 I could chew on tin foil for a spell
 I could get a root canal in Hell
 But it wouldn't be as swell
 As this summer is gonna be
 'Cause the torture is just exquisite
 While I'm waiting for you to visit
 So hurry up, schmuck, get unstuck and get on the scene!
 Love, the midget, the stripper, Wayne the snake
 And Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein
 That's me!