For her first number
Mrs. Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion
Dedicated to her dear husband, Amos
Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong
But he doesn't care, he'll string along
He loves me so, that funny honey of mine
Sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm up
But he follows 'round like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so, that funny honey of mine
He ain't no sheik, that's no great physique
And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
But look at that soul, I tell you, that whole
Is a whole lot greater than the sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me, I know you'd agree
What if the world slandered my name?
Why he'd be right there taking the blame
He loves me so, and it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny, honey, hubby of mine
I mean supposin', just supposin' he had violated
Her or somethin', you know what I mean, violated?
I know what you mean
Or somethin', think how terrible that would have been
It's a good thing I came home from work on time
He loves me so (I'm tellin' you that, I say, I'm tellin' ya that!)
That funny honey of mine
Name of deceased, Fred Casely
Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar?
My wife knows him, he sold us our furniture
He gave us ten percent off
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
You told me he was a burglar!
You mean he was dead when you got home?
She had him covered with a sheet
And she's tellin' me some cock-and-bull story about this burglar
And how I ought to say I did it, 'cause I was sure to get off
"Help me, Amos," she says, "It's my goddamn hour of needs"
Now, he shot off his trap
I can't stand that sap
Look at him go (and I believed her!)
Rattin' on me (that cheap, little tramp)
With just one more brain (she's two-timing me, huh?)
What a half-wit he'd be (well, I'm through for protecting her now
(She can swing for all I care)
If they string me up (boy, I'm down at the garage working my butt 14 hours a day)
Well, I'll know who (and she's out there mucnhin' on bon-bons)
Brought the twine (and tramping around like some goddamn floozy)
(Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes, huh?)
That scummy, crummy (I wasn't born yesterday, I tell ya, there are some things)
Dummy, hubby of mine (a man just can't take, and this time she pushed me too far)
(That little chiseler, boy, what a sap I was!)