Love on Ice

We're all cuddles and smiles
 At the press photocall
 Though you hate to touch me
 And I couldn't love you at all
 Because I'm not an ordinary guy
 And you're not an ordinary girl
 But that's how we have to appear now we're
 The best in the world
 And The Sun is uncharacteristically wise
 When it captions the photograph
 'Love on ice'
 Love on ice
 One perfect couple on four perfect blades
 We execute two perfect figures of eight
 We accept the bouquets but we'd just like to say
 Before these flowers wither like all accolades
 I'm only doing this for Christopher
 And you're only doing it for Jane
 In the Radio Times and on breakfast TV
 Our faces appear because young healthy faces
 Are what the world's dying to see
 In an advert promoting a diet
 We skate to a halt and say 'Try it!'
 But how could a straight have a figure or skate
 Without my anxiety?
 And the caption they use in the Radio Times
 And over their products is
 'Love on ice'
 Love on ice
 One perfect couple on four perfect blades
 We execute two perfect figures of eight
 We accept the bouquets but we'd just like to say
 Before these flowers wither like all accolades
 We want to come out of the closet
 We'd give up the life of the stars
 If Christopher wasn't our manager
 And Jane didn't do our cocaine and our PR
 It began to go wrong
 But the press wouldn't leave us alone
 We lost to a couple of Soviets who skated like robots
 And when we came home
 The tabloids said I'd died of AIDS
 And you'd set up camp with the Greenham Brigades
 And the serious papers we offered our story said 'Sorry'
 And slammed down the phone
 But in City Limits they mentioned us twice
 In a feature and letter they titled respectively
 'Love on ice' and 'Gay love on Ice'
 One perfect couple on four perfect blades
 We execute two perfect figures of eight
 But the ice is a mirror in which people see
 Their nation and their sexuality
 And now we've come out of the closet
 No-one remembers our names
 And Christopher isn't our manager
 And we need the PR more than Jane needs our cocaine