Beowulf (I Am Deformed)

I have come with my sword Naegling
 And the usual aches and pains
 To defeat Grendel, the monster
 Lately scourge of the Danes
 Showing no mercy in the mead hall
 He laid waste thirty thanes
 In return I will chop off his shoulder
 Then I will deal with his mother
 Where is the disabled loo?
 I'm feeling slightly queasy, woozy
 So would you if you'd had to do
 The things I've had to do
 Slay the good, slay the bad
 Do I have the right to use the disabled loos?
 Did they send the right man from the land of heroes?
 Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
 I give you my oath, as I was born
 I am Beowulf
 I am the hero coming to save you
 And I am deformed
 Cancer gubbins that hangs at my neck like a turkey throat
 Swaddling leather trussing up a shrivelled belly bloat
 Dangling from my orifice is a puzzling speculum drip
 If you promise not to tell anyone I have a hare lip
 A smoking hole and a very large mole
 My face it slithers, my ears are torn
 Don't laugh, I am deformed
 Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
 I give you my oath, as I was born
 I am Beowulf
 I am the hero coming to save you
 And I am deformed
 So go ahead, laugh, you won't be the first
 Richard the Hundredth, the Hunchback laughed
 Henry Dalrymple the simpleton convulsed with mirth
 At this sick rubber joke my bones as they poke out of a hole in my skin
 At this helplessly flailing mutant appalling prosthetic thalydomide limb
 Have a good laugh while you're at it at my schlong
 My metallic foot brace it scratches and drags
 I dribble down a twig
 I twitch along the ground
 My Breugel boots they beggar belief
 I have the stinky shanks of a hound
 My patchy moustache hides a birthmark
 I have come to save Denmark
 Stop laughing ...
 Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
 I give you my oath, as I was born
 I am Beowulf
 I am the hero coming to save you
 I am deformed