(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Front step, cha cha cha
 Back step, cha cha cha
 Side step, front step
 Back and turn
 Oh my God, Penny there's Link, Link
 I can't believe I'm really here auditioning
 I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition
 Front step, cha cha cha
 Back step, cha cha cha
 Side step, front step
 Back and
 Oh Amber, look at this motley crew
 This town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned
 Oh, Mother not more ancient history
 Oh my God
 How times have changed
 These girls must be blind or
 Completely deranged
 But time seemed to halt
 When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
 Amber! That move is far too dirty
 Mother wake up from that dream of yours
 This isn't 1930
 You can laugh but life's a test
 Don't do this, don't do that
 Remember, Mother knows best
 But the crown's in the vault
 From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
 These steps are perfect ammunition
 Let me show you how your mommy dear took out the competition
 Girls, go get 'em! Boys, let's rumba
 1-2-3-4-5-6-7
 Those poor runner-ups
 Might still hold some grudges
 They padded their cups
 But I screwed the judges
 Those broads thought they'd win
 If a plate they would spin
 In their dance
 Not a chance
 Boys, put me down
 Oh, good morning ladies
 Let's see what you've got
 Twist, twist, twist, twist
 Mashed potato, Mambo
 Ready? Begin
 On my show you'll never find
 A thrusting hip or bump and grind
 What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
 You should have seen my bag of tricks
 Oh, I hit the stage batons ablaze
 While belting Aida
 And preparing soufflés
 But that triple somersault
 Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs
 ♪
 Proceed
 Are you scared? We're on live
 No, I'm sure I can cope
 Well, this show isn't broadcast in Cinemascope
 I never drank one chocolate malt
 No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
 This one will never get a date
 In those hand-me-down clothes
 Kid, she'll never get a date
 'Til daddy buys her a new nose
 I would say "oy gevalt" if I wasn't
 Miss Baltimore Crabs
 Do you dance like you dress?
 Amber, there's no need to be cruel
 Would you swim in an integrated pool?
 I sure would
 I'm all for integration
 It's the new frontier
 Not in Baltimore it isn't
 And may I be frank?
 First impressions can be tough
 And when I saw you I knew it
 If your size weren't enough
 Your last answer just blew it
 And so, my dear so short and stout
 You'll never be in
 So we're kicking you out
 With your form and your face
 It isn't your fault
 You're just down with a case of Miss
 Baltimore Crabs
 You may go
 Um, thank you
 I think they secretly liked you
 May I please audition?
 Of course not
 But you may bow and exalt
 'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs
 (Crabs, Crabs, Crabs)