Michael (Hmm?)
You've changed
(Well, so have you)
Well
Nobody's perfect
Nobody's perfect
I am human, so are you
Nobody's perfect
Nobody's perfect
Here is what we ought to plan to do
Let's make a list of irritating habits
That we think the other person has
Then once we know our irritating habits
We can correct them
As for example
Now, please don't be offended
But because these things exist
I have taken the little liberty
Of fixing up a little list
Now, you're sure you don't mind?
(Oh, I'm absolutely sure)
Well, I think that's very big of you
Well, you see, dear
It just so happens
That I have made up a little listing, too
A pair of socks does not represent
The end of the civilized world
If you're out of socks
Believe me when I say
That there's bound to be
A more effective way
To get them washed
Than to stand in your drawers
In the middle of the kitchen
Screaming
"Someone has stolen my socks!"
This is a piece of paper
This is a column which, as you see
I have placed on the piece of paper
This is a list of receipts and bills
What we might call "household expense"
Which I have entered along this line
Forming a businesslike design
Inside the column which I have prepared
Upon this piece of paper
This is a total of all those bills
It represents a month's expense
The whole outlay in checks and cash
That went for the rent and the corned beef hash
In short, the sum and net result
Of all of the figures inside in the column
Which I've prepared upon this piece of paper
Now this, as you know, is a statement from the bank
It must be compared to the total result
Of all the figures inside the column
If we're to know in terms of cost
Just how much money we've made or lost
How far, in fact, we've come or gone
What I'm trying to say is, honey
You're overdrawn!
Again!
You chew in your sleep
(I do what?)
You chew
You go like this
(I don't!)
You do
(I've never done that one time in my life!)
Darling, please remember
I'm your wife
You chew in your sleep
You do it frequently
(But that's absolutely awful)
I quite agree
You are always late
(You are always early)
We're totally dressed
And ready to go
I open the door
But do we make it? No!
It's "Where are my gloves, my gloves, my gloves?"
And "Where is my purse, my purse, my purse?"
"Where are my keys?
Where is my hat?
Where is my this? Where is my that?"
If I protest, it only makes it worse
Hat and gloves, keys and purse
Pain in the neck, terrible curse
And I would simply like to state
That if you ask me what I hate
It's the terrible
Horrible habit you have of always being late
Oh, when I start
To tell a story
An amusing anecdote I've read
When I start to tell a funny story
I get flustered 'cause I know what lies ahead
It always happens
Yes, when I start to tell a story
It makes no difference where we are
When I get where the joke should be
You say it just ahead of me
I mean to say
It drives me mad
You give me Russian dressing
Which I happen to detest
You grab the morning papers
And you take the part that's best
Every night since we've been wed
You've worn cold cream into bed
Every night beneath the sheet
Must you look like trick or treat?
Nobody's perfect
Nobody's perfect
I am human, so are you
Nobody's perfect
Nobody's perfect
Here is what we ought to plan to do
You take my list
And see if you can't do a little better
You take mine
And see if you can notice an improvement
'Cause nobody's perfect
Especially
Not you (not you)
Not you, not you, not you, not you, not you