Nobody's Perfect

Michael (Hmm?)
 You've changed
 (Well, so have you)
 Well
 Nobody's perfect
 Nobody's perfect
 I am human, so are you
 Nobody's perfect
 Nobody's perfect
 Here is what we ought to plan to do
 Let's make a list of irritating habits
 That we think the other person has
 Then once we know our irritating habits
 We can correct them
 As for example
 Now, please don't be offended
 But because these things exist
 I have taken the little liberty
 Of fixing up a little list
 Now, you're sure you don't mind?
 (Oh, I'm absolutely sure)
 Well, I think that's very big of you
 Well, you see, dear
 It just so happens
 That I have made up a little listing, too
 A pair of socks does not represent
 The end of the civilized world
 If you're out of socks
 Believe me when I say
 That there's bound to be
 A more effective way
 To get them washed
 Than to stand in your drawers
 In the middle of the kitchen
 Screaming
 "Someone has stolen my socks!"
 This is a piece of paper
 This is a column which, as you see
 I have placed on the piece of paper
 This is a list of receipts and bills
 What we might call "household expense"
 Which I have entered along this line
 Forming a businesslike design
 Inside the column which I have prepared
 Upon this piece of paper
 This is a total of all those bills
 It represents a month's expense
 The whole outlay in checks and cash
 That went for the rent and the corned beef hash
 In short, the sum and net result
 Of all of the figures inside in the column
 Which I've prepared upon this piece of paper
 Now this, as you know, is a statement from the bank
 It must be compared to the total result
 Of all the figures inside the column
 If we're to know in terms of cost
 Just how much money we've made or lost
 How far, in fact, we've come or gone
 What I'm trying to say is, honey
 You're overdrawn!
 Again!
 You chew in your sleep
 (I do what?)
 You chew
 You go like this
 (I don't!)
 You do
 (I've never done that one time in my life!)
 Darling, please remember
 I'm your wife
 You chew in your sleep
 You do it frequently
 (But that's absolutely awful)
 I quite agree
 You are always late
 (You are always early)
 We're totally dressed
 And ready to go
 I open the door
 But do we make it? No!
 It's "Where are my gloves, my gloves, my gloves?"
 And "Where is my purse, my purse, my purse?"
 "Where are my keys?
 Where is my hat?
 Where is my this? Where is my that?"
 If I protest, it only makes it worse
 Hat and gloves, keys and purse
 Pain in the neck, terrible curse
 And I would simply like to state
 That if you ask me what I hate
 It's the terrible
 Horrible habit you have of always being late
 Oh, when I start
 To tell a story
 An amusing anecdote I've read
 When I start to tell a funny story
 I get flustered 'cause I know what lies ahead
 It always happens
 Yes, when I start to tell a story
 It makes no difference where we are
 When I get where the joke should be
 You say it just ahead of me
 I mean to say
 It drives me mad
 You give me Russian dressing
 Which I happen to detest
 You grab the morning papers
 And you take the part that's best
 Every night since we've been wed
 You've worn cold cream into bed
 Every night beneath the sheet
 Must you look like trick or treat?
 Nobody's perfect
 Nobody's perfect
 I am human, so are you
 Nobody's perfect
 Nobody's perfect
 Here is what we ought to plan to do
 You take my list
 And see if you can't do a little better
 You take mine
 And see if you can notice an improvement
 'Cause nobody's perfect
 Especially
 Not you (not you)
 Not you, not you, not you, not you, not you