Getting Married Today

Bless this day
 Pinnacle of life
 Husband joined to wife
 The heart leaps up to behold
 This golden day
 Today is for Amy
 Amy, I give you the rest of my life
 To cherish and to keep you
 To honor you forever
 Today is for Amy
 My happily soon-to-be wife
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 Pardon me, is everybody there?
 Because if everybody's there
 I want to thank you all
 For coming to the wedding
 I'd appreciate your going even more
 I mean, you must have lots of better things to do
 And not a word of it to Paul
 Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm going to marry
 But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anyone
 As wonderful as he is
 Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers
 Thank you all, now it's back to the showers
 Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today
 Bless this day
 Tragedy of life
 Husband joined to wife
 The heart sinks down
 And feels dead
 This dreadful day
 Honey, I can't find my cuff links
 They're on the dresser
 Right next to my suicide note...
 Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for
 A wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual
 Where everybody promises fidelity forever
 Which is maybe the most horrifying word I've ever heard
 And which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize
 He's saddled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should
 Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married
 Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married
 You've been grand, but I'm not getting married
 Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married
 And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today
 Go! Can't you go?
 Why is nobody listening?
 Goodbye! Go and cry
 At another person's wake
 If you're quick, for a kick
 You could pick up a christening
 But please, on my knees
 There's a human life at stake!
 Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
 Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?
 It isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life
 You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities
 I telephoned my analyst about it, and he said to see him Monday
 But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage
 I'm not well, so I'm not getting married
 You've been swell, but I'm not getting married
 Thank you all, but I'm not getting married
 Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married
 And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today
 Bless this bride
 Totally insane
 Slipping down the drain
 And bless this day in our hearts
 As it starts
 To rain
 (Today is for Amy)
 Go! Can't you go?
 Look, you know I adore you all (Amy I give you the rest of my life)
 But why watch me die
 Like Eliza on the ice?
 (To cherish and to keep you)
 Look, perhaps I'll collapse
 In the apse right before you all
 (To honour you forever)
 So take back the cake
 Burn the shoes and boil the rice!
 (Today is for Amy)
 Look, I didn't want to have to tell to you
 But I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint
 So if you want to see me faint, I'll do it happily
 But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?
 So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates
 Thirty-seven butter knives
 Forty-seven paperweights
 Fifty-seven candle holders
 (One more thing...)
 I am not getting married
 (Amen!)
 (Softly said...)
 See, I'm not getting married
 (Amen!)
 (With this ring...)
 But, I'm not getting married!
 (Amen!)
 (I thee wed)
 Still, I'm not getting married!
 (Amen!)
 (Let us pray that we are getting married)
 Let us pray that we're not getting married
 Today!