(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Well, I brought my own '45s
 So if you put 'em on
 I'll show you my stuff
 Haven't you already shown us enough?
 Oh, my god, how times have changed
 This girl's either blind or completely deranged
 Ah, but time seemed to halt
 When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
 Childhood dreams for me were cracked
 When that damn Shirley Temple, stole my freakin' act
 But the crown's in the vault
 From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
 Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
 They padded their cups but I screwed the judges
 Those broads thought they'd win if a plate they would spin
 In their dance, not a chance
 'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze
 While belting high C's and preparing souffles
 With that triple somersault
 Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs
 Proceed, are you scared we're on live?
 No, I'm sure I can cope
 Well, this show isn't broadcast
 In Cinemascope
 I never drank one chocolate malt
 No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
 How many sweaters do you own?
 Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty
 Let me see, I have three, five
 No, wait, I have twenty
 I would say Oy gevalt'
 If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs
 A tycoon I wed so cuddly and funny
 The old fart dropped dead but left tons of money
 So I bought this station so all of the nation could see
 Baby amber and me
 Do you dance like you dress?
 Amber, there's no need to be cruel
 Would you swim in an integrated pool?
 I sure would, I'm all for integration it's the new frontier
 Not in Baltimore it isn't and may I be frank?
 First impressions can be tough
 And when I saw you, I knew it
 If your size weren't enough
 Your last answer just blew it
 And so, my dear, so short and stout
 You'll never be in so we're kicking you out
 You can't get past me kid but it isn't your fault
 It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs
 You may go, thank you? Gee Tracy, that went well
 Hello, may I please audition?
 No, but you can bow and exalt
 Your just down with a case of, Miss Baltimore Crabs