How I Saved Roosevelt

That was President-Elect Franklin D. Roosevelt,
 Ladies and gentlemen, speaking to a crowd
 Of supporters here in Miami's beautiful Bayfront Park.
 A group of notables are pressing in around the President-Elect's car.
 There's Mayor Anton Cermak of Chicago -
 There's been a shot!
 I can't see. Wait!
 Mr. Roosevelt is waving. He's all right!
 But Mayor Cermak has been hit!
 The police have somebody in custody:
 An immigrant, Giuseppe Zangara.
 We take you now to a group of eyewitnesses who will tell us what they saw.
 We're driving up close and I see this guy
 He's squeezing by
 I catch his eye
 I say to him, "Where do you think you're trying to go, boy?
 Whoa, boy!"
 I say, "Listen, you runt,
 You're not pulling that stunt.
 No gentleman pushes their way to the front."
 I say, "Move to the back!"
 Which he does with a grunt
 Which is how I saved Roosevelt!
 Then
 Well, I'm in my seat
 I get up to clap
 I feel this tap
 I turn, this sap
 He says he can't see
 I say, "Find a lap
 And go sit on it!"
 Which is how I saved -
 Then he started to swear
 And he climbed on a chair
 He was aiming a gun
 I was standing right there!
 So I pushed him as hard as I could in the air
 Which is how I saved Roosevelt!
 Lucky I was there!
 That's why he was standing back so far
 That's why when he aimed, he missed the car
 Just lucky I was there
 Or we'd have been left bereft of F.D.R!
 You think that I scare?
 No scare.
 You think that I care?
 No care.
 I look at the world
 Not good
 Not fair
 Nowhere
 When I am a boy, no school
 I work in a ditch, no chance
 The smart and the rich ride by,
 Don't give no glance
 Ever since then because of them,
 I have this sickness in the stomach
 Which is the way I make my idea
 To go out and kill Roosevelt
 First I was figure I kill Hoover
 I get even for the stomach
 Only Hoover up in Washington
 Is wintertime in Washington
 Too cold for the stomach in Washington
 I go down to Miami, kill Roosevelt!
 No laugh!
 Not funny
 Men with the money
 They control everything
 Ha! Roosevelt, Hoover
 It make-a no difference
 You think I care who I kill?
 I no care who I kill!
 Long as it's King
 The crowd's breaking up and I hear these shots
 And I mean lots
 I thought I'd plotz!
 I spotted him
 My stomach was tied in knots
 So I barreled -
 Harold!
 No, what happened was this:
 He was blowing a kiss
 I was saying to Harold, "This weather is bliss!"
 When you think that we might've missed seeing him miss-
 Lucky we were there!
 It was a historical event
 Worth every penny that we spent
 Just lucky we were there!
 To think if I let him get up closer!
 I saw right away, he was insane
 Oh, this is my husband, we're from Maine
 He told me to sit, but I said, "No, sir!"
 This makes our vacation a real success!
 Are you with the press?
 Yes.
 Oh God, I'm a mess!
 Some left wing foreigner, that's my guess
 No!
 No left!
 You think I am left? No left, no right
 No anything!
 Only American!
 Zangara have nothing
 No luck, no girls
 I gotta no smarts, no school
 But Zangara no foreign tool
 Zangara American
 American nothing
 And why there no photographers?
 For Zangara, no photographers?
 Only capitalists get photographers
 No
 Right
 Not fair, nowhere
 So what?
 I'm on the front page
 Is that bizarre!
 And all of those pictures, like a star!
 Lucky I was there
 We might have been left
 Who care?
 Bereft of F
 Pull switch
 D.R!