Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a bad motherfucker
 He was 17 feet tall, he had a hundred and fifty wives
 He didn't do that much, except he saved the game of baseball
 He put two and two together, and he noticed it was four
 Now, the treachery of Shoeless Joe can't hurt us anymore
 And he'll always be remembered as Kenesaw Mountain Landis
 Fellow named Joe Jackson was a fielder for the Black Sox
 And he always wore his black socks, but he never wore no shoes
 He weren't the nicest fellow, and he had a couple problems
 'Cause he drank a lot, and he beat his wife and he always acted rude
 He killed and ate some babies, and he copped an attitude
 And the one man that he hated most was Kenesaw Mountain Landis
 The mafia said, "Shoeless Joe
 You should really run this show
 You should be the guy who owns baseball
 And all you really gotta do
 Is help us make a buck or two
 We'll bet on the other team
 You'll lose the game, but make it seem
 Like nothing could be further from the truth"
 Shoeless Joe did what they said, he dropped a couple fly balls
 And he walked up to the pitcher, and he poked him in the eye
 And in the seventh inning, with the Black Sox nearly beaten
 There was someone who was watching from his blimp above the stands
 Cradling a rifle in his thick and meaty hands
 And as if you hadn't guessed yet, it was Kenesaw Mountain Landis
 Kenesaw said, "Drop that glove
 Or I swear by God above
 I'll make you regret playing baseball"
 Shoeless Joe looked up and saw
 The silver rifle's gaping maw
 Though no one had noticed yet
 His underwear was getting wet
 He peed himself in front of everyone
 Shoeless Joe was finished, but he couldn't quite admit it
 So, he raised his middle finger up above the other four
 Kenesaw took careful aim and fired a single bullet
 And he shot that dirty finger off, and he dropped his trusty gun
 Everybody in the stands knew that he had won
 And today, they still refer to him as Kenesaw Mountain Landis
 Shoeless Joe left baseball and became a famous pop star
 And he asked the musical question "is she really going out with him?"
 He had a couple albums and a comeback in the 80s
 But he never won a Grammy, and he never was the same
 And he never could be satisfied with critical acclaim
 'Cause the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello
 Yes, the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello