A Fine Romance - Alternate Take

A fine romance, with no kisses.
 A fine romance, my friend, this is.
 We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes.
 But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.
 A fine romance, you won't nestle.
 A fine romance, you won't wrestle.
 I've never mussed a crease in your blue serge pants.
 I never had the chance.
 This is a fine romance.
 A fine romance, my good fellow.
 You take romance. I'll take Jell-o.
 You're calmer than the seals in the Arctic Ocean.
 At least they flap their fins to express emotion.
 A fine romance, with no quarrels,
 With no insults, and all the morals.
 You're just as hard to land as the Ile de France.
 I never get the chance.
 This is a fine romance.
 A fine romance, with no kisses.
 A fine romance, my friend, this is.
 True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has.
 We don't have half the thrills that "The March of Time" has.
 A fine romance, with no clinches.
 A fine romance, with no pinches.
 You never give the orchids I send a glance.
 No, you like cactus plants.
 This is a fine romance.