Jack Can't Cook (Live)

Jack can't cook, Jack can't cook
 Jack can't cook, Jack can't cook
 you can't judge a story by the cover of a book
 so don't just Jack, 'cause Jack can't cook
 jack can't cook, so be built himself a diner
 where no one in the neighborhood thought it ought to be
 packs chant "crook," so they built themselves a dummy
 of hungry old jack burnin up in effigy
 jack hates kids, so he married him a granny
 who jack knew wouldn't have the land for his seed
 but jack thought wrong, and the granny had a baby
 and the baby looked a lot like jack indeed
 jack left home, for a younger Venezuelan
 who made a lot of showings, except in jack's bed.
 had old jack been henry the eighth
 then maybe anne boleyn just might have kept her head
 it ain't no thing if your plate is full
 so why not send jack to culinary school
 jack can't count, but his son was an accountant
 who counted on being named the heir to jack's throne
 but he lost out to his younger brother
 who couldn't count either had the elder only known
 jack can't stand the drive to his kitchen
 so he ordered it moved into his backyard.
 now jack can't stand the noise and the bitchin'
 cuz it's near, ain't life hard
 jack only has a name for his diner
 and wouldn't you know it, it's after himself.
 jack only has a model for his diner
 next to the urn on his living room shelf.
 now honest abe has a key to the city
 and hungry old jack has a lot of self pity.