You Won't Succeed On Broadway - Original Broadway Cast Recording: "Spamalot"

Have you heard of this Broadway?
 Yes sire. And we don't stand a chance there!
 Why not?
 Because!
 Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people.
 People who can sing and dance! Often at the same time!
 They are a different people! A multitalented people!
 A people who need people!
 And who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world.
 I'm sorry sire. We don't have a chance!
 But why?
 Well... let me put it like this.
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 In any great adventure, if you don't want to lose
 Victory depends upon the people that you choose
 So listen, Arthur, darling, closely to this news
 We won't succeed on Broadway if we don't have any Jews
 You may have the finest sets
 Fill the stage with penthouse pets
 You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
 You may dance and you may sing
 But I am sorry, Arthur King
 You'll hear no cheers
 Just lots and lots of boos
 (Boo!)
 You may have butch men by the score
 Whom the audience adore
 You may even have some animals from zoos
 Though you've Poles and Krauts instead
 You may have unleavened bread
 But I tell you, you are dead
 If you don't have any Jews
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 They won't care if it's witty
 Or everything looks pretty
 They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse
 Nobody will go, sir
 If it's not kosher, then no show, sir
 Even goyim won't be dim enough to choose
 Put on shows that make men stare with lots of girls in underwear
 You may even have the finest of reviews
 (You're doing great!)
 But the audiences won't care sir
 As long as you don't dare sir
 To open up on Broadway
 If you (we) don't have any Jews
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 You may have dramatic lighting
 Or lots of horrid fighting
 You may even have some white men sing the blues
 Your knights may be nice boys
 But sadly we're all goys
 And that noise that you call singing, you must lose!
 So despite your pretty lights
 And naughty girls in nasty tights
 And the most impressive scenery you use
 You may have dancing mano e mano
 You may bring on a piano
 But they will not give a damn-o
 If you don't have any Jews
 ♪
 Hey!
 Oh, oy!
 Oh, oy!
 You may fill your plays with gays
 Have Nigerian girls in stays
 You may even have some shiksas making stews
 You haven't got a clue
 If you don't have a Jew
 All of your investments you are going to lose
 There's a very small percentile who enjoys a dancing Gentile
 I'm sad to be the one with this bad news
 Never mind your swordplay
 You just won't succeed on Broadway
 You just don't succeed on Broadway
 If you don't have any Jews
 Papa, can you hear me?
 To get along on Broadway
 To sing a song on Broadway
 To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
 I tell you, Arthur King
 There is one essential thing
 There simply must be
 Simply must be Jews
 There simply must be
 Arthur, trust me
 Simply must be Jews!