Talkin' Alien Abduction Blues

I don't know what made me go out that night
 At that hour I'd have normally been in bed
 But I found myself lookin' up at the sky
 At a very bright light straight overhead
 It flashed green
 Then red
 Santa Claus colors
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 I stood there frozen in that light
 Then I started hearin' this kind of whir
 The lights got louder and the noise got brighter
 And I felt a sudden chill
 Brrrrrrrr
 It was cold
 I shouldn't have gone out without a coat
 My mom was right again
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 Then this big old spaceship floated down
 And hovered 3 feet above the Earth
 Never been so scared in all my life
 Could've given spontaneous birth
 If I was a woman
 And pregnant
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 At least two little guys about 4 feet tall
 Jumped off that space age Greyhound bus
 They grabbed me by the arms and said
 "Start walking, Dan. You're coming with us"
 Abduction
 They didn't actually speak, but I understood 'em
 Telepathy
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 They strapped me down to this metal crate
 Took out the 35-foot long hose
 They said "Don't worry, this won't hurt"
 Then they shoved that sucker up my nose
 All the way up
 I knew my nose way long, but this was a suprise
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 They examined me from head to toe
 Stuck prods in every orifice
 This cold gray box came and gave me a kiss
 Then extracted a coupld of quarts of piss
 I felt dehydrated
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 Then they waved this wand around my head
 Said, "Now we're reading your thoughts, you see
 You got an awful lot of songs in there
 Though it seems they're all in the key of G"
 
 I said "What about Marilyn? That's in D"
 They said "D flat, actually"
 I said, "Yeah, because I tune it down a half step
 What about Hannibal?"
 They said "What about Hannibal?"
 I said "Well, technically, it's in G
 But it's really a dropped D tuning capo'd up"
 They said "How come you don't play the harmonica more?"
 I said "How come I'm in a space ship
 Talking to aliens about my act?"
 They said, "We'd rather talk physics
 But you're illiterate there"
 Couldn't argue
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 They dropped me somewhere in Brazil
 Took a month to get back to the USA
 When I told my friends what I'd been through
 No one believe what I had to say
 That sucked
 It's to be expected, though
 Most people think Hannibal's in straight tuning
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 Well, my life's back to normal now
 I do the things I always do
 But once a week I meet with 12
 Other folks who've been abducted too
 I tell my story
 They tell theirs
 I don't believe them, though