You Must Meet My Wife (Act One)

So
 So
 Well, I think it's time to talk about my wife
 Don't you?
 To boast or complain?
 Both, I expect
 She lightens my sadness
 She livens my days
 She bursts with a kind of madness
 My well ordered ways
 My happiest mistake
 The ache of my life
 You must meet my wife
 She bubbles with pleasure
 She glows with surprise
 Disrupts my accustomed leisure
 And ruffles my ties
 I don't know even now quite how it began
 You must meet my wife
 My Anne
 One thousand whims to which give in
 Since her smallest tear turns me ashen
 I never dreamed that I could live in
 So completely demented, contented a fashion
 So sun like
 So winning
 So unlike a wife
 I do think that I'm beginning to show signs of life
 Don't ask me how at my age one still can grow
 If you met my wife you'd know
 Dear Fredrik I'm just longing to meet her
 Sometime
 She sparkles
 How pleasant
 She twinkles
 How nice
 Her youth is a sort of present
 Whatever the price
 The incandescent- what?
 The- um
 Light?
 Of my life, yes
 You must meet my wife
 Yes, I must
 I really must, now-
 She flutters
 How charming
 She twitters
 My word!
 She floats
 Isn't that alarming?
 What is she, a bird?
 She makes me feel I'm- what?
 A very old man?
 Yes
 No!
 No!
 But-
 I must meet your Gertrude
 My Anne (sorry, Anne)
 She loves my voice, my walk
 My mustache
 The cigar, in fact, that I'm smoking
 She'll watch me puff until it's just ash
 Then she'll save the cigar butt
 Bizarre, but-
 You're joking
 She dotes on-
 Your dimple?
 My snoring
 How dear
 The point is she's really simple
 Yes, that much seems clear!
 She gives me funny names
 Like
 Old dry-as-dust
 Wouldn't she just?
 You must meet my wife
 If I must
 Yes, I must
 A sea of whims that I submerge in
 Yet, so lovable in repentance
 Unfortunately, still a virgin
 But, you can't force a flower-
 Don't finish that sentence!
 She's monstrous!
 She's frightened
 Unfeeling!
 Unversed
 She'd strike you as unenlightened
 No, I'd strike her first!
 Her reticence, her apprehension
 Her crust!
 No
 Yes!
 No!
 Fredrik
 You must meet my wife
 Let me get my hatch and my knife!
 What was that?
 I must meet your wife
 Yes, you must (yes, I must!)