I.G. Joe

I got a four year little boy like I mentioned
 I don't get paid back for everything I ever did in my life
 I never thought I'd say this phrase
 "Son, please don't bite the dog"
 But I say it all the time
 Our dog's neurotic, he won't come off from underneath the bed
 He just like, "No Bill, not as long as that little jerk's till up, no"
 "Look at me, I look like I got mange"
 That dog lives in hell
 It's my wife's dog, just a little Wiener dog
 And the other day, he was sound asleep on the living room
 On his back doing his little rabbit chasing thing
 I watched my son walk across the living room floor and go
 "Puppy" pam!
 I go, "What are you doing?"
 He looked me right in the eye and goes, "It was a accident"
 Somebody gave my son 250 of those ol' plastic G.I. Joe soldiers
 And they are all over the house
 So you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
 And you're just like
 There's some little guy in front of the bathroom door like
 "You here to wipe the general's butt?"
 But my son can't say G.I. Joe yet, so he calls them his I.G. Joes
 So he'll come running in the house going, "Dad, where's my I.G. Joes?"
 I'm like, "Look around, man, they're everywhere"
 This house looks like the beaches of Normandy
 And we got this cat that's so bizarre
 He'll go in my son's room and get one of his I.G. Joes
 And start dragging it to the kitchen, start fighting with it
 Well, my son gets mad, you know, he's like, "Kitty's got my I.G. Joe"
 I'm like, "Well, get it from the cat"
 And I hear that
 "Get it, don't kick it from the cat"
 "It was a accident"
 These I.G. Joes came in a bucket
 My wife and I pick 'em up, we notice that the bucket won't fill them back up
 We couldn't find them anywhere
 One day, we were stripping the kitchen floor, we pulled the stove back
 And there's like 50 up underneath the stove
 It was an I.G. Joe prisoner camp
 This cat would like beat the hell out of 'em go
 "Get in there, get in there, get in there"
 "Shh, no talking, no talking"
 My son's job is basically to tear up my daughter's stuff
 That's the job he applied for
 He does stuff to Barbie doll that you don't even laugh
 You just go, "Oh, man, there's a serial killer in training"
 We had a big blowout couple of weeks ago, man
 He got in her room and tore up one of her fashion Barbies, and she was hacked
 I was too, that's a 35 dollar doll
 I'm like, "Why don't you go tear up your own stuff, boy?"
 "Why don't you tear up that Barney doll? Get him the hell out of this house"
 Anybody got those Barney tapes?
 Woo, that'll make you put a gun barrel in your mouth
 He's the reason the other dinosaurs are extinct, you know that, don't you?
 They just said, "Man, we'd rather be dead than hang with you"
 "Hey, where you going fellas?"
 "We're going to kill ourselves Barney"
 I don't know why my daughter was all mad about
 she's got every Barbie doll known to man
 She's got Malibu Barbie, Surfing Barbie, Thanksgiving Barbie
 She got one just last year, Barbie doll on rollerblades
 And you rollerblade her and sparks shoot out her hips
 But she's listed as an unsafe doll
 Watching news one night, this is how far over the edge we've gone
 The news guy's holding this Barbie doll, looks right in the camera, goes
 "This doll looks safe enough, doesn't it?"
 Like we're all at home watching TV going, "Uh-huh"
 But what if Barbie skated through a pool of gasoline
 What if Barbie had a hand grenade? What are you talking about?
 Has that become a household problem now?
 'Cause I don't know how many times I've gone to my daughter's room and said
 "Baby, did you spill the gas again?"
 "Well, pumpkin, we're gonna stop keeping the gasoline in your room
 If you can't be more careful"
 But we whipped Barbie through that gas, and she lit up
 She skated in Barbie, but she skated out Shane O'Conner, man
 There wasn't a hair on that head
 See, Barbie's too fluffy and frilly for me, anyway
 I think they ought to come out with a more realistic Barbie doll
 come out with white trash Barbie
 You know Barbie in her later years, that career's over now
 They live in that Barbie mobile home, the Dream Trailer
 That Corvette's up on blocks in the front yard
 Ken's got a big ol' gut now
 Sits around itching himself, "What's for dinner, Barbie?"
 She be like, "Fish sticks"
 "Fish stick? What's it our anniversary again?"
 You can have all sorts of accessories with it
 You can have a little cop car
 That pulls up in front of the mobile home once in a while
 'Cause Ken got drunk, started some stuff with Barbie, you know
 They lead him off little Ken cuffs
 He's screaming, "I know you slept with I.G. Joe, I know you slept with him"
 She'd scream back, "Don't take him, I love him"
 I'd buy stuff like that, but my son will probably tear that up too