A Mother's Confession

Our son is four months old
 His name is Anthony or Ash for short
 And he's too small to do things by himself
 We were in L.A. over Christmas in a rental and we jury-rigged
 A place to change his diapers on a shelf
 I was peeing in the bathroom
 And had left for just a second
 'Cause I thought he couldn't move and he was safe
 As I came out I saw him falling in slow motion to the floor
 It was probably the worst moment of my life
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 And then I accidentally stole a thing of ChapStick from the Safeway
 I didn't see it 'til we got out to the car
 I would have usually returned it
 But I was overwhelmed and late
 To take the baby to my cousin's up in Carmel Bay
 In my defense, I'd bought like $87 worth of groceries
 And the ChapStick was a $1.99
 I know it wasn't the right thing to use
 My newborn child as an excuse
 But it felt like a good reason at the time
 And as I pulled out of the parking lot I cried
 And as I pulled onto the highway I said: right?
 At least the baby didn't die
 At least the baby didn't die
 And then we went to Sarasota
 To see Neil's cousin Helen
 For her birthday she just turned ninety-nine
 We were also there for Sidney
 Who was ninety-four two days before
 But he was sick, so mostly it was Ash and Helen time
 She survived the Warsaw ghetto
 And she always says: I love you
 When she sees you 'cause she knows you never know
 She'd worked for months while I was pregnant
 On a gorgeous handmade blanket
 Her almost-hundred-year-old hands crocheting every row
 I'd been emailing her pictures of the baby and the blanket
 Every day since she had sent it in the mail
 But they were of one that someone else had knitted
 She was really nice about it
 Then I went and shoplifted a pair of ugly sunglasses
 From Goodwill, they were on my head
 I'd tried them on and left them there
 But that's not really bad compared to
 When we left the baby in the car
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 At least he wasn't in there very long
 And not directly in the sun
 And thank God no-one walking by
 Happened to notice what we'd done
 I'm even scared to put these lyrics in a song
 But everything is relative and everyone's related
 I can't do that much right now
 But take care of this baby
 I figure everything's technically all right
 If at least this baby doesn't die
 And then I took a plane to Washington alone
 So we could visit Jason Webley who's his godfather
 And plays a mean accordion
 I couldn't wait to see him and share tales of our disasters
 Over dinners in his houseboat
 When I saw I'd lost my passport
 So I got a rush appointment at the place where you replace them
 And I drove the baby in
 And on the way I got a speeding ticket
 When the cop came to the window
 I was shaking and I said I'm sorry
 But you couldn't hear me
 That's how loud the sound of screaming was
 'Cause he was hungry
 And I think that I was speeding
 'Cause I panic when I hear him cry
 My God, what kind of a mother am I?
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 And as I pulled out of the breakdown lane I cried
 And as I pulled out on the highway I said: right?
 At least the baby didn't die
 At least the baby didn't die
 While I was waiting for my passport I was hungry so
 I twittered for a coffee in the neighborhood
 And there I saw a woman who was sitting at the bar
 And it was noon and she was drinking
 And she called across the diner to me
 How old is your baby?
 And she smiled at us nursing
 And she said she had a daughter who was grown
 And then she paused
 And said she also had a son
 And when I'd paid and was about to leave
 I picked him up
 and crossed the room and touched her sleeve
 I said: hey, this baby wanted to say hi
 And she held him tight and she started to cry
 And I'm sorry that this story's gotten long
 And that everybody's crying in this song
 And then I got back in the car and turned the radio and heater on
 And sat there with the baby in the back
 And they were talking about Syria and climate change and ISIS
 And the candidates' positions on Iraq
 I feel so useless in this universe
 I know I could be doing worse
 I'm trying hard to stay at peace inside
 I know it's hard to be a parent
 But this mess is so gigantic
 I wonder if I should have had a child
 And as I pulled out of the parking lot I cried
 And as I pulled out on the highway I said: right
 At least the baby didn't die, right?
 At least the baby didn't die
 At least the baby didn't die
 At least the baby didn't die
 I may not make it to the passport place on time
 And they might revoke my license for a while
 And I might get caught for retroactive theft
 And I might get turned into the DSS
 But at least the baby didn't die