As I Feed the Flames of Hate

A conspiratory silence fills my mind
 A hardly mentioned name
 Yet it permeates my every move.
 Power of will is hardly enough
 Accomplishing nothing but a delusionary
 Sense of completeness.
 Pretense, my own parody
 As played by me to humiliate no one
 But myself.
 This foolish game I play -
 [My spirit] being subjected to ever new,
 Devious plots by my mind -
 Permanently scars my soul!
 Etched in anguish, memories carved out in pain,
 Struggling
 To maintain my battedred sanity brings relief.
 While rest is an eupherism for torture.
 Denying myself the memories
 Only worsens the flood of emotion
 Drowning me every time
 As I struggle to maintain my composure.
 It's asking to deny the reason for my existence
 Because I feel that somewhere, somehow,
 Our two paths will join at one point
 Through some spiritual, yet tangible bond
 Which so far had prevented all of my deceitful
 Attempts and insignifant conspiracies to
 Eradicate her from my heart.
 Meanwhile I bludgeon pain into a manageable mold
 Encysted in layers of hate, permitting time to
 Pass as I maintain -
 Hidden behind impermeable walls
 Of my own bulsh*t!