Belief

Through all of my life
 I waver back and forth between
 A belief and not
 Believing in anything
 In any solid shape
 The unfettered mind
 A deeper understanding that holds nothing
 That lets sounds come in the ear
 And just pass through without deciding what it was
 If it was a jet or a dragon
 It was merely a sound without a name or a picture
 It was every possible thing at once
 I barely ever get to be in this state
 Just quick flashes by surprise
 When I'm like standing by a car
 Squinting my eyes
 Caught off guard and unpicturesque
 I used to sing this one song all the time
 That I made up to try to cut through
 When I'd find myself caught up
 Entranced in certainty
 Staring at a hill
 And it went:
 "Let's get out of the romance"
 Over and over
 "Let's get out of the romance"
 "Please can I go through this life
 Unscared to see that nothing stays the same"
 "No one knows anything."
 When I was younger and didn't know
 I used to walk around basically begging the sky
 For some calamity to challenge my foundation
 When I was young
 So imagine what it was like to watch up close a loved one die
 And then look into the pit
 I lived on the edge of it
 And had to stay there
 Joanne Kyger said:
 "We fight incredibly through a hideous mishmash of inheritance
 Forgiving for deeper stamina
 That we go on
 The world always goes on
 Breaking us with its changes
 Until our form, exhausted, runs true."
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 Out of nowhere love returned
 I saw what looked like a god who walks among us
 I met her, we fell so in love
 She is angelic, miraculous, I totally lost my mind
 And poured everything into this sea, this ocean
 And when I came to I saw my face in a store window's reflection
 And there was fear behind those eyes
 Now I'm back where I was when I was 20
 Trying to stop clinging to a dream
 And let an old idea of love dissipate
 Back into formless rolling waves
 Of discomfort and uncertainty
 The true state of all things
 I want to wade out into dark water
 Hand in hand with you
 I played this song for you and all you heard were the words
 "Discomfort and uncertainty"
 You asked "How do we get back to how it was?"
 And that's when I started to know
 That I might be in it alone
 Devoted to an unknown
 Homelessness enthroned
 Us and the kids all wind-blown
 Courageous as bone
 Lying down in a storm
 Steadfast, newborn
 A house with no door
 Exhausted form
 In your eyes I found home
 I believed you and dove
 And oh my god
 When we swam together for a little bit