Burlington Bertie From Bow

I'm Bert, p'raps you've heard of me
 Bert, you've had word of me,
 Jogging along, hearty and strong
 Living on plates of fresh air
 I dress up in fashion
 And when I am feeling depressed
 I shave from my cuff all the whiskers and fluff
 Stick my hat on and toddle up West
 I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten thirty
 And saunter along like a toff
 I walk down the Strand with my gloves on my hand
 Then I walk down again with them off
 I'm all airs and graces, correct easy paces
 Without food so long I've forgot where my face is
 I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt
 But my people are well off you know.
 Nearly everyone knows me from Smith to Lord Rosebr'y,
 I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.
 I stroll with Lord Hurlington,
 Roll in The Burlington
 Call for Champagne, walk out again
 Come back and borrow the ink
 I live most expensive
 Like Tom Lipton I'm in the swim
 He's got so much 'oof', he sleeps on the roof
 And I live in the room over him.
 I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten thirty
 And saunter along Temple Bar
 As round there I skip
 I keep shouting 'Pip Pip!'
 And the darn'd fools think I'm in my car
 At Rothchilds I swank it
 My body I plank it
 On his front door step with 'The Mail' for a blanket
 I'm Bert, Bert, and Rothchild was hurt
 He said ' You can't sleep there' I said 'Oh'
 He said 'I'm Rothchild sonny!' I said 'That's damn'd funny,
 I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow'
 I smile condescendingly
 While they're extending me
 Cheer upon cheer when I appear
 Captain with my polo team
 So strict are my people
 They're William the Conqueror's strain
 If they ever knew I'd been talking to you
 Why they'd never look at me again
 I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten thirty
 And reach Kempton park around three
 I stand by the rail, when a horse is for sale
 And you ought to see Wooton watch me
 I lean on some awning while Lord Derby's yawning
 Then he bids two thousand and I bid Good Morning
 I'm Bert, Bert, I'd buy one, a cert
 But where would I keep it you know
 I can't let my man see me in bed with a gee-gee
 I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow!
 My pose, Tho' ironical
 Shows that my monocle
 Holds up my face, keeps it in place,
 Stops it from slipping away.
 Cigars, I smoke thousands,
 I usually deal in The Strand
 But you've got to take care when you're getting them there
 Or some idiot might stand on your hand.
 I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten thirty
 And Buckingham Palace I view.
 I stand in the yard while they're changing the guard
 And the queen shouts across "Toodle oo"!
 The Prince of Wales' brother along with some other
 Slaps me on the back and says "Come and see Mother"
 But I'm Bert, Bert, and Royalty's hurt,
 When they ask me to dine I say no.
 I've just had a banana with Lady Diana
 I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.