Stana - Live in London

This is the strangest story that you'll ever hear
 Unless you can't hear
 In which case, this'll be the weirdest tale you've ever lip-read
 I'll tell you the story of a dangerous man
 Some say he was born with a gun in his hand
 An only child and a motherless son
 In his class he was the difficult one
 He had a predilection for killing and hating
 And his name was an anagram of Satan
 Bad attitude, bad blood, bad grammar
 A man by the name of Stana
 Whoa, Stana
 Talking about a bad man, London
 A very bad man
 An evil man
 His very name was a Satan-agram
 He's the kind of man who would walk around without any pants on
 And take a Viagra
 Just pop into town at the supermarket with an erection
 Man, he'd would poke babies in the eye
 Unrelated to the last fact
 He'd steal your goat, you don't know what he would do with it
 Bad things
 He'd steal your WiFi
 His name was a Satan-agram
 Just like Santa
 But he was nothing like Santa
 No, Santa is a wonderful man
 Who brings presents
 Comes down your chimney and brings you presents
 Whereas Stana is just a man who comes down your chimney
 Why someone do that?
 Ruin a lovely fireside evening
 Well, them people
 They were sick of him groping their goats and raping their sheep
 Then one night
 They drugged his drink
 They tried to sneak out while he was asleep
 But Stana awoke before they got out of town
 Because their drug was just too weak
 He gathered them 'round
 Shot every one of them down
 Right there in the street
 He shot everybody in the town down
 And then you know what he said?
 He said, "I'm out of this place
 This town's dead anyway!"
 He kinda did it like that, where the head went
 "This town's dead anyway"
 "It's too soon, Stana"
 "That's rude! What are you?"
 He's literally adding insult to injury
 He put on his hat and got on his horse
 And to a new town he set his course
 Went to a place to grab a bite to eat
 Could not believe what he saw out on that street
 Outside where the wind blew into two directions
 Stana seemed to look at his own reflection
 A man identical to imperfection
 Same eyes, same lies, same sized erection
 Oh, erection
 I know what you're thinking
 You're thinking he had a big one
 Nope
 Oh, you thought 'cause he was a bad boy, he'd have a big ol' one
 Yeah
 You thought he'd have a big huge-a-rooni
 No, no, no, no, no
 No, London
 No, London
 That's a rumor put out by bad guys
 Oh, yeah
 "Give me all your money, and when they come
 You say I had a big one."
 Well, I was just gonna mention
 You know who does have big ones is musicians
 Right
 Exactly, definitely
 Well, they drew their guns
 Both at once and aimed their shots directly
 No one there had seen such a thing
 Well, it's not what you'd expect to see
 Bullets flew at the very same time
 On the very same trajectory
 What I say is true
 'Cause I was there
 And them bullets flew right next to me
 Yeah
 Them bullets stopped right there as they met in the air
 Then they fell to the ground without making a sound
 Each man dropped his jaw and fired five more
 Each pair of bullets was the same as before
 They raised their brows as they saw the side
 Of the bullets as they stopped each others flight
 As though they were filled with pure elation
 They began to laugh 'cause it was quite a funny situation
 Whoa, funny situation
 Turns out this other guy's name is Anats
 Satan-agram
 The two men couldn't shoot each other
 'Cause they were absolutely perfectly matched in every way
 So instead, they went to a cafe
 They started chatting
 Turned out they had more in common than just physical appearances
 That's right, very similar experiences
 They'd done a lot of the same things
 And they loved the same kind of activities
 Like hurting people and maiming
 They, they got on like a house on fire
 Which is also one of the first things they did together
 They both shared a love for predatory large cats
 You know, tigers
 Lions
 Ocelots
 Lynxes
 You have any big cats here in London?
 They're like big beavers
 They don't have beavers
 You guys don't have beavers?
 What the fuck? Oh, Badgers
 That's what you guys have
 Badgers, that's what they
 Go hunting for English beavers
 They became attached together
 Like a brain and a tumor
 Same taste, same hobbies
 Same sense of humor
 They bought a farm, started breeding puma
 And they became lovers
 Well, that's the rumor
 Well, that's what happened when Anats met Stana
 But they say we all got our doppelganger
 That might be false
 But it might be true
 Oh, what would you do if you met you?
 That's the real question
 What would you do if you met yourself?
 If you were confronted by your own person?
 Maybe you'd look at that other you in the eye, and just think
 "I understand you
 Because I am you."
 And you'd walk up to that person
 And you'd hold them
 The way you've always wanted to be held
 But no one's ever got it quite right
 Sometimes they've done it too tightly
 Sometimes they've done it too loosely
 With their arms all floppy like spaghetti
 Dangling around
 But this hug between you and that other you
 Is a perfect consistency of hug
 Then, while you're there with your hands around your self
 You think, "Well, I wonder what my butt feels like."
 And you just, like
 You know, like, spider-walk one of your hands
 Down to your other self's butt-on!
 And give it a little squeeze
 And "Whoa!
 What's happening back there?"
 The other you's doing the same thing
 Hello
 Is this wrong?
 And then you wonder
 "I wonder if I'm a good kisser."
 So you kiss that other you
 And you know what?
 Straight away it feels right, it feels good
 It feels like love
 They've fallen in love
 An emotional connection
 Two very evil men
 With minuscule erections
 Stana and Anats
 Anats and Stana
 Looking after each other now
 Looking after panthers
 They used to be murderin', murderin', murderin'
 Now they're cuddlin', cuddlin', cuddlin'
 Used to be threatenin', threatenin', threatenin'
 Now they're getting big cats and pettin' em
 Used to be homicidal and killin'
 Now, they're in a domicile and chillin'
 Used to be slayin' and slayin' and slayin'
 And now they're gayin' and gayin' and gayin'
 They found a little love
 They found a little love
 They found a little love
 They found a little love
 They found a little love
 Sorry about that
 That was just far too long
 That was
 It was like a whole show
 Yeah
 Don't know if it's gotten longer every night