The Bells of Hell

I met her in the Strand
 Readin' books to beat the band
 We got talkin' about the Tropic of Capricorn
 And all the things therein
 Includin' sex and drugs and gin
 So I asked her if she'd fancy a libation?
 She said she didn't mind
 She was just out killin' time
 Her husband wouldn't be home 'til the morning
 "Is that a fact?" says I,
 "I got the very place in mind"
 So we went waltzin' off down to the Bells of Hell
 There were drinks and eyebrows raised
 When we stepped into the haze
 Every blaggard at the bar was gettin' plastered
 And mentally undressin'
 My love's Yves St. Laurent fashions
 I could tell that I was treadin' on disaster
 Ah, Malachy, me dear,
 What kind of joint are you runnin' here
 There's a fellah in a dress givin' me the once over
 "My good man have no fear
 That's a bishop from the County Clare
 Everyone's welcome down the Bells of Hell."
 Lester Bangs is on the floor
 And there's a couple of Seventh Avenue whores
 Explaining life to Billy Altman in the corner
 Dennis Duggan's in a suit
 And Nancy Whiskey's on the jukebox
 Peter Myers is cuttin' loose down the Bells of Hell.
 There's a band in the back room
 With a wild man playin' the moog synthesizer
 Like he's screwin' a couple of banshees
 And a red haired bollocks with glasses
 Ah, he's beatin' the bejaysus
 Out of some poor innocent guitar, that place was crazy.
 They were singin' "The Girl Next Door"
 When my love said "aren't they just adorable
 The red haired one suggested something interesting, if rather intimate."
 Just then the bishop in the dress
 Took me in a firm embrace
 And I passed out cold down at the Bells of Hell
 When I returned from space
 Nick Tosches was moistenin' my face
 Lookin' pleased as punch, I knew exactly what that fellah'd been up to
 My love looked like a mess
 She was fixin' up her dress
 Nick winked, "hey, kid, you'll write a song about this someday when you're sober"
 It was gettin' on for dawn
 She said, "I think my husband will be home
 But thank you for such a literary evening."
 "You're very welcome, dear, please come again
 We always do the best we can
 Everyone's coming down the Bells of Hell."
 I wish I could go back down to the Bells of Hell
 Ah, Malachy, take me back down to the Bells of Hell.